It finally all came to a halt and stirred up some very real, emotional conversations. His hesitations caused him doubt and it made me insecure and worried about our future.
I had a lot of thinking to do and so I spent some time figuring out what this all was really about.
I realized that during all of this wedding talk, I didn't ONCE think about MARRIAGE. I was only thinking about the WEDDING. The event. The ONE night. And everything that led up to that day.
But wait... isn't the whole point of a wedding is that you are entering into a MARRIAGE for (what you hope will be) the rest of your lives?
It hit my like a pile of bricks that seeing all of these weddings pop up made me anxious to have one.. to plan one. But I was not anxious to get married - to commit my entire life to someone - at that point.
I had had serious boyfriends in the past - a couple whom I thought were "the one". And I had dated a couple of them longer than my current boyfriend. So why the hell was I thinking I was ready to take the plunge already?
Maybe it was societal pressure? (I was about to turn 26!) Maybe it was my friends tying the knot? Who knows. But it was like all logic and sense came rushing back to me and I was able to break the wedding obsession spell I was under.
Because it IS about the wedding - the special event to celebrate. But it's MORE about the marriage. About everything that happens AFTER the wedding. And I lost sight of that. Hell, it wasn't even in my line of sight.
So my boyfriend and I realized that yes, we love each other. And yes, we want to be together. But no, we were both not ready to get married.
And now looking back I realize I was just bit by the wrong bug at the wrong time. My planning nature got the best of me and I got caught up in the frenzy. But we will decide, together, if and when marriage is the next step for us. Because it's not just about the ring, or the proposal, or even the wedding.
This may sound like I'm trying to justify why we aren't engaged or married - but that's not it. I'm honestly content enjoying our current lives together. We're happy and in love and that's all that matters.
I don't want to live in the past. It's good to remember and learn from it. But I don't want to live in the past.
I don't want to live in the future. I want to have a path for the future (because you can't really plan it, as much as you try), but I don't want to live in the future.
I want to truly LIVE only in the present.
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