"The Bed" Is Too Depressing

3 years ago

So am I the only one who is pathetic enough that I can't sleep in "the bed"? I can't stand being in there and looking at his empty side of the closet, his dresser, or even worse, his side of the bed. "The bed" where we shared our most personal and intimate times, where he would hold me for hours, where we loved eachother the most. I know that I keep rambling on about him, but I can't bring myself to stop obsessing over him, and this is helping me vent. The little things he did leave behind I can't stand to look and and put them in one of his dresser drawers, now referred to as "the drawer of doom". I'm trying to erase the memories of us in this house, why shouldn't I forget about him if he forgot about me so easily? Because I'm the idiot that still loves him, that's why. I need to stop loving him, but how do you just stop loving someone? Apparantly it is possible, he stopped loving me, right? I just wish one of these times when I came home, he would be here. But he can't, he left his keys... I miss my husband, I miss him soooo much and I really wish I could be as cold hearted as he is right now. I'm over here depressed, not sleeping, not eating, not wanting to go on, I'm beginning to scare myself. And nobody that knows me knows how hard I am taking this. I've always been the strong one... I hate being seen as weak. I just want to hear his voice, I just want to hug him. I had to tell everyone on my fb to leave me alone. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to hear "I'm here for you" because you're not the one I want here for me! I want him to be here for me! I don't want to hear "I miss you" or "I love you" unless it is coming from him, but it will never come from him. He's gone. Took off on me in the middle of the night... Without caring about how it will affect me. I do everything for him, I try so hard to make him happy... But then I start thinking, I have been working a lot more and tired lately, maybe I didn't show him enough. NO!!! I will not allow myself to think that this is my fault! There is NO EXCUSE IN THE WORLD for him to take off the way he did. If he didn't want to be with me anymore, FINE! I still would have been heartbroken, but he could have talked to me about this, we could have worked on things. WE ARE MARRIED! That is what MARRAIGE is about. Sticking together through tough times. I probably shouldn't admit this, but I'm scared to be alone. The only thing I think when I'm alone is "I don't want to deal with life anymore". Everything would be better off if I'm gone. I'm about to lose  my home, I can't afford it on my own! I got an eviction notice and we were supposed to pay it and there is no we anymore. I can't come up with the money by Friday. I have nowhere to go. If I wasn't here, my kids would be better off. They could go to my parents house. But I can't do that, so don't worry. The sad part is, I think the only reason I wouldn't is because of my kids. I wouldn't put them through that. I think I'm just sleep deprived and delerious. 

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