My first marriage was more than a flop. It only took 7 years of that marriage to plant seeds that grew and took over my entire self. He was a very bad man, but I didn't truly understand that until after we had divorced. And those seeds that were planted and grew...well unfortunately the thorns are continually stabbing my 2nd husband every time he makes a move.
Everyone has heard that women are crazy. We are emotional thinkers usually and we see things very differently than men do. So when I first started out on the journey truly understand the battlefield that is being a wife, it was as if I could hear God loud and clear...STOP BEING CRAZY!
Now would God really say this to me? Yes...yes He would. God is a funny guy and He meets you on your level, and well my level was needed a key to get to the basement floor crazy. Let me give you an example of what I mean.
So my husband is on a league. For any woman who's husband is on any kind of league...softball, billiards, bowling...that woman understands that league is just a fancy man term for: I paid for this so I HAVE to go...the fact that I enjoy it is just a minor detail. Men do this because society has told them that women are overbearing, control freaks and want to spend 24/7 with them....and then of course our crazy selves go and prove that thought process correct.
Anyway, my husband is on a league. I assumed that I of course would tag along once a week to this venture because after all : (1) who wouldn't want to spend time with ME and (2) He was already going out after work with friends a few times a week. So I assumed that my tag along was a given. I could tell by the look on his face that my attendance was NOT what he thought about when he joined this league, but he graciously said nothing and I got to go. My husband is like that, he honestly doesn't want to hurt my feelings and often puts his aside so I can have what I want....because I'm just so great. Right? WAY wrong.
So after a while, he finally says to me that one night a week is for him. That the times he goes out after work with the guys is completely different. He tried to explain that the after work hang out was for complaining and venting steam about work with co-workers, and that the league was for just being a man, doing manly things...burping, farting, and then laughing about burping and farting I'm sure.
Instead of just accepting his explanation, whether I understood it or not, my crazy brain kicked it into high gear. Let me tell you. The next time he went out for his league I spent hours on the computer. I was looking at emails, facebook, twitter...I'm sure that the NSA has a file on me marked "We should hire this chick for her ability to gather so much intel in such a short period of time,".
I was convinced that it had something to do with ME, and that there was something he was hiding from ME and I was going to find out what that something was. By the end of the first night I knew every co-worker by name and face, their likes and dislikes, and became painfully aware that my husband spent his day surrounded by so-called adults with children's brains. I did this week after week. Finally, things came to a dramatic climax where he discovered that this was what I was doing with my free time while he was gone.
I stood there in that bed room (standing in front of the door by the way..you know so that he HAD to listen). My arms were folded, smug look on my face, as if to say "Yeah that's right, so you gonna confess now or do I have to keep digging?". And then the worst thing I could have ever heard came out of his mouth, "You are just like everyone else,"....words cut deep y'all, and in this case I would have rather he punched me then say those particular words to me.
I proceeded to tell him why I did all of it, and tried to explain myself. But the more I tried to explain myself, the more angry he got and I couldn't understand why. Finally, after almost 5 years of an open book policy, he changed all his passwords. Again...confused...because if you have nothing to hide then it should be a problem...right? Well then my crazy brain got much much worse, to the point where it's all I could think about...what could he possibly be hiding?
You ever hear of rule #1 in the nut house...don't try to convince them that you are not crazy, because it only proves just how crazy you really are. And that is exactly what I was doing. For a solid month we fought about this, and while I thought I was making progress and looked totally normal...I in fact looked as crazy as I truly was.
Then one day I went out with my mother to Barnes and Noble. I get overwhelmed in that store, but I was determined to get something that would help my marriage. Because after all I knew it was in trouble. After much looking I picked up Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. For those that don't like her, I'm sorry but she gives scripture to back up what she says. Anyway, I picked up this book. I had not supernatural feeling or felt drawn to it. I just picked it up and said whatever I'll buy this one; besides it was one my mom said she had wanted to read so I figured if I found it boring she could have it.
First line of the Introduction and I knew what the problem with my marriage was: "For as he thinks in his heart, so he is." Proverbs 23:7.
Because I let my mind get away with me and allowed myself to think these thoughts, they became real to me and my husband turned into a different man in mind....even though in reality he was the same.
By the time I finished Part I of the book I realized that my first marriage did much damage to this one and I didn't even see it. The reason I couldn't find any dirt on my husband was because there was nothing to find. If it had been my first husband, I would have found LOADS of information; at this point in my life if someone told me that what I knew him as wasn't his real name and he was actually a Communist from Russia it would not surprise me at all. And I carried that with me. I carried with me the idea that all men were like this and it was only a matter of time before the ball would drop and his true self would be revealed.
But I didn't realize that I was thinking that way. I had so many thoughts in my head that they consumed me and I couldn't grasp on to even one. They just all flurried together into this ball of assumptions, anger, hurt, and fear that presented itself in the form of crazy.
Still I feel foolish. And I should, because I acted foolishly. I created a problem that was never there. How differently would that month have gone if I had just accepted his reasoning and went on with my life. Because guess what? My crazy action didn't stop him from going. Our arguments didn't stop him from going. Nothing that I said or did during that time period changed anything at all. But what it did do...was it created a wedge between us. Now he feels like I believe he is less than what he is. Now he feels like his efforts are for nothing.
This is the breakdown in the system. This is when it all starts to fall apart...when people think to themselves "Why do I continue to do the right thing? They already think I do the wrong thing so might as well do it if they already think that's who I am,". I have found that many people think this way, even I do.
So I made up mind to just not be crazy anymore. I encourage EVERYONE to read Battlefield of the Mind. But I know that not everyone will. So this is what I'll tell you: It takes a lot of prayer to change your mind set. I'm sure that many have heard the scripture that says to "take every thought captive", but have no clue what that means...much like myself. My brain was such a storm I forgot to call Grandparents on Christmas. So I prayed for Jesus to clear my mind of all things and just start over, I prayed that He would give me a new mind. And the storm stopped. Then as different thoughts would try to creep into my head, instead of allowing them to flow, I would stop and pray and tell God I didn't want those thoughts anymore. And they went away.
There are times when we want to feel angry and upset because it justifies us...or so we think it does. But if I can come up with reasons why you are wrong, then that makes me not wrong. And you know what...that's crazy. I'm not saying my husband doesn't have faults, he has many. The situation I explained earlier, did he handle that wrong...yes he did. But there never would have been an opportunity for him to handle anything right or wrong if I had tipped the scales differently. The BIGGEST mistake, I believe, that people make in relationships is not seeing their own faults and wrongs. It's like I tell my children, I don't care that she hit you FIRST there is always a better way to react. What a hypocrite I am that I couldn't even see that I wasn't following the instructions I was giving my children.
Problems in a marriage can NEVER be worked out if we are insistent on pointing the finger. And while my husband handles things wrong some times, or pours gas on a fire...I have to see that 95% of the time it's because he's reacting to me and the way I handle things. Yes I know it sucks that most of the time it's the woman who acts first. However, I want to share one last thing before I close that will explain why that is.
In Genesis, God defines Eve as a "help meet". Oh us English speakers and our lack of vocabulary. What I love about the Hebrew language is that one word always means something more than meets the eye.
"Help meet" actually means "help helper" , "One who helps". Well that doesn't HELP much does it? So I looked further, what does HELP actually mean? In this case, it means companion. Someone who aids you along the way. After all we women were taken FROM MAN. Our strengths fill his weaknesses and his strengths fill our weaknesses. We are to protect him from fiery darts, temptations and things he cannot see off in the distance. We are not to be in front of or behind him, but by his side keeping watch over the things around us.
Men are focus and only see what is in front of them. We as women have the ability to carry and see several things at once. It's our job. So we have to take that first step in changing ourselves to change our circumstances with God, because our husbands only see what's in front of them...they cannot see what it can lead to. Our jobs as wives are to support our husbands, right or wrong, and pray pray pray for them.
But first we must pray for us to be the wife that he needs and desires. Which is how all this came about and why God told me STOP BEING CRAZY...it creates problems that are not really even there.
X: From the BattleField.