I figured enough time had passed since you all had a good, fun-loving post from yours truly. It seems I’ve been filling the minutes of your day with deeply sappy posts consisting of torment, heartache and romanticism, so let’s all agree that’s enough of that shit, shall we? This post is about one of my favorite, FAVORITE, FAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVORITE topics.
It was not so long ago (yes it was) that I would take my bald-headed, frock-reddened, Mock-Marten wearing self down to a little hippy book store on Philadelphia’s famous South Street by the name of Garland of Letters. I would walk the two miles at any hour of the night to be able to spend some time alone sitting and reading on the floor of the only section I had any interest in at the time: Astrology. And while I consider myself to be fairly bright – even quite brilliant at times (fuck you) – this is probably the one topic (actually, scratch that, because I still believe in God)… this is probably one of the two topics that makes people roll their eyes at me when I say it’s an interest of mine, and you know what? I’m okay with that, because it led me to the idea for this blog post.
Without further adieu, I present to you, An Astrological Breakdown of my Exes. Just so you are aware, the Exes mentioned below will consist of the following categories: boyfriends (non-lover), boyfriends (lover), fiancées, husbands, and just plain old lovers. If you are stalking me and reading this and fall into one of the above categories know that I am definitely talking about you, so don’t kid yourself. I hope that you all enjoy and/or relate to and/or contemplate your next sexual or life partner after reading what I’ve written, and feel free to leave comments below if you’re either in agreement or disagreement or in the case of some of my exes, if you have the balls to.
ARIES (March 21 – April 20):
The first official sign of the zodiac is Aries, or, The Ram, and heaven knows that pretty much sums up the lovemaking style of the men under this sign. Aries men like it quick and dirty but don’t get me wrong, as an Aries woman I am pretty much the same way. You see, Aries rules the head (insert school boy giggle) so the thing with Aries is that there has to be a mental connection, but the other thing with Aries is that… well, frankly, we just like to fuck. Cuddling is considered blasphemy. Why cuddle when there are more fucks to be had? It’s quite simple, actually, and it’s something that I never held against the couple of Aries lovers that I had in my life. I got them – I understood them – so it never bothered me when they wanted to roll over because when the sex was happening, it was often pretty goddamned mind blowing. The first ever non-on-top/non-oral orgasm I had was with an Aries man (in case I never said it, thank you) and when the relationship part of it was good, it was verrrrrrrry good, but… BUT… if you cross an Aries man you better be ready for a heavy exchange of verbal abuse, potential stalking and a non-existent post-relationship friendship. It’s not the way they work. If you’re in it for the sex only, let them know up front, because once you’re in their head and heart, you’re pretty much fucked when it comes time to bail. I had an Aries man pack a lunch and wait on my doorstep for eleven hours once while I hid inside of my apartment. I’m not shitting you… these fuckers are crazy.
TAURUS (April 21 – May 21):
(yawn) Sorry, did you say something? Oh, were you talking about Taurus men? That’s probably why I got so drowsy. I would rather be forced to watch seventy-two straight hours of Sarah Palin talking about hunting antelope with a crossbow while riding bareback on an ox than date or have sex with another Taurus man for as long as I live. If you’re a Taurus and we haven’t had sex, don’t take offense. If you’re a Taurus and we have, do. You assholes are boring in bed, terrible at relationships, and don’t know when to shut your fucking mouths. One Taurus boyfriend I had when I was nineteen actually told me that I was fat. FAT. I was nineteen at the time and probably weighed no more than 120 pounds soaking wet (I’m 5’10”) and this Greek piece of shit said to me… “I don’t know, I think you need to lose a little. You’re kind of soft. You should be more muscular.” I dropped him faster than Jay-Z drops a mic and purposely put ON five fucking pounds immediately afterward. The best part was he was actually eleven years older than I was which made him thirty. I can’t even imagine saying to someone when I was thirty that they needed to “lose a little.” Who the fuck dates a nineteen-year old when they’re thirty anyway? Idiot. They’re all idiots and they suck in bed. Unless of course I never slept with you. I’m sure you’re just fine in bed if that’s the case (eye roll).
GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)
I don’t have an actual sexual experience with this sign although I did have a Gemini boyfriend when I was younger and still a virgin, and, well, he cheated on me, left me, and started dating a girl who wasn’t a virgin, had sex with her and then left her a year later when he found out I had finally lost my virginity. I spit in his face. That’s the end of my Gemini story. So, uh… good luck? Oh, well, he did kiss pretty well and as far as feeling up goes, I guess that was pretty good, too, so…. sorry. That’s all I got.
CANCER (June 22 – July 23)
I made a promise to myself when I was very young that I would never date a sign that was also a life-threatening disease, so, I got nothin’ here. Both of my brothers fall under the sign of Cancer and I would never date either of them in a million, trillion, quazillion fucking years so… moving on.
LEO (July 24 – August 23)
You probably all thought that I was never going to get to a sign that I didn’t bash, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU? Don’t deny it! OUT WITH IT. Well, you were wrong. Leo is a wonderful sign. I have only dated men under one other sign more (keep reading) than I have dated Leos in my life and there are plenty of reasons why that is so. Leo, firstly, and like Aries, is a fire sign. They are passionate, and headstrong, and with the Lion as their representative, brave. The sign of Leo rules the heart and when you’re with a Leo you not only feel like you’re the only woman alive, but you genuinely believe it. Their lovemaking is sensual, sexy and bold, and in a relationship they can be faithful and adoring. I have spent powerful nights, physical afternoons and passionate mornings in Leo’s company, but beyond the bedroom it rarely ever worked out for the long term because when they decide they want out or they lose interest, they can turn into a dick. But that’s okay, too, because the moments had were usually enough to make me look back fondly years later.
VIRGO (August 24 – September 23)
Worst (period) Sex (period) Ever (period)
LIBRA (September 24 – October 23)
I like Libras. I do. They’re cool, even keeled, usually a lot of fun and they think rationally. They’re pretty much the opposite of everything that I am which is why I like them. Seriously… my best friend is a Libra and since Libra is exactly six signs away from Aries, they are, in effect, my Bizarro World sign. Unfortunately, I never had actual sex with a Libra. I went on a few dates with one and thought “Hey… I might like to have sex with this person at some point down the road” but it just never got to that point, which is weird because I’m intrigued at what it would be like to have sex with the anti-me. So what I can say here is, Libras are great at dinner and conversation. Oh, and walking.
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
You’ve all been waiting for this one, haven’t you? Come on… you know you’ve all had a Scorpio at one time or another and you’re waiting…. You’re just WAITING to see what I’ve got to say about them. Well, I hope I won’t disappoint you with tales of my own personal Scorpio men, so here goes: I loved them. I loved them all. Scorpio is both my oxygen and my Kryptonite. It is what I need to survive but eventually is also what’s going to kill me. The majority of men that I have been with since the time I was fifteen years old have been Scorpios. All three fiancées were. All two husbands were, too. And in between those were vivacious Scorps scattered about. Why? Well, that’s a tough one, because Scorpios overall are pretty damned intense and highly fucking difficult, and I think that’s the exact thing that draws me to them in the first place. One thing about Scorpio that gets my juices flowing is that they will cut a bitch. No joke. My ex-husband wouldn’t hesitate to clock someone in the face if they looked at me wrong, and my Todd? Jesus Christ, that man has gotten in more scuffles standing up for my honor than Lancelot did for Guinevere. Scorpios are highly sexual – sometimes too highly (did I just say that?) – Since their ruling body part is the genitalia. They like to be in charge; to dominate, which can pose problems if you’re a dominant Aries like I am, but if you’re going to have problems, these are the ones you want to have. They are masculine and quick-tempered and my God I want to go wake my husband up right now. But the most exceptional characteristics of a Scorpio male are these: loyalty, integrity, and honesty. They are the ultimate knight in shining armor no matter how rusty or worn that armor gets over the years. So go on… go get your own. Mine is off limits.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 22)
This started out as a good, fun, sexual experience which then turned into me crying on the floor of my stand up shower for an hour and a half. I can’t talk about it anymore.
CAPRICORN (December 23 – January 20)
My overall take on Capricorns is that they are big on “little white lies” which could be for one of the following two reasons: A.) They genuinely don’t want you to hurt and so they think that lying to you by saying their phone died or they must have had no reception instead of just telling you that they were out with someone else is better than watching you suffer or cry or make you not trust them, or, B.) PAIN AVOIDANCE which is another way of saying that they just don’t want to hear you nagging them and so they’ll tell you whatever they need to in order to make you just shut the fuck up. The sad part of it is, Capricorn has this (what they believe to be) cunning way of making you feel guilty for calling them out on the exact thing they’re doing that they’re not supposed to be, which is pretty fucking shitty. I mean, you could be standing there holding the DVD recording of him with another woman and he will still deny that it ever happened and you actually start to question yourself. It’s amazing, and I never use that horrid word. AMAZING. Oh, and they’re hyperbolic, too. You will be the most gorgeous woman they were ever with and the best sex they ever had, until you aren’t. And when either you or their heart packs up and leaves, you’re guaranteed to have been the douchebag in that relationship. Nnnnnnnnext!
AQUARIUS (January 21 – February 19)
Super nice guy. Tiny, tiny penis.
PISCES (February 20 – March 20)
I like to refer to Pisces as the slightly sexually demented sign of the zodiac as it pertains to men born under it. The times I’ve had with Pisces were all fairly "interesting", but, mostly in a good way. They’re creative – I’ll give them that. And they keep you guessing! Oh boy! But so did the show “Lost” and let’s admit it, folks, didn’t we all lose a bit of interest in it once the initial shock wore off and the story line got way out of whack? You get my point.
So there you have it. I know that some of you out there might read this and think “Jesus Christ… how much sex has that woman had??” and you’d be right to think that and the answer is, tons. But I’ve been having sex for 25 years, and so I’m not worried about being judged by anyone other than the man I married, and since that particular November baby grew up as a drummer who looked like this
there is no cause for concern, because that was one pussy gettin’, Scorpio-bein’ motherfucker, right there. And he’s allllllll mine, baby.
Counting Down to the Middle-Aged "F" word