Are you lonesome tonight?

10 years ago

Aw...I feel so bad for this person. I've always had a soft spot for people who look like they're being left out. I always try to find ways to include people. Probably because of my own being different that I do it. Growing up, I never had female friends. In school, it was because I was Muslim. At the mosque, it was because I was black. It also didn't help that I was younger than most people in my classes. Somehow, it never really affected me. I never has an urge to belong with my peers or coworkers. I would rather sit by myself and read or do a puzzle book versus making small talk with people who wouldn't remember my name in a week. Not everyone is like that and I completely understand.

When I've had a job or am at a function, and I see someone I know who looks a little lost, instead of hanging with "cool kids", I make a point to hang with these loners. If you've ever been around me in a social situation you've seen me do it. Keep in mind that I suck at conversation, get way too riled up and excited. I'll babble or say something offensive. But I try. I try to include them in events; lunch, going out after work, or doing something. From groups, I've had eyes rolled at me, head-shakings and the whys, but come on if there is a group of people going out to lunch and you're making plans in front of someone, you invite them. Be a grown up.

I was looking forward to a fun night out with friends--some drinks, good food, laughter and conversation. It didn't take me long, though, to realize that the night was not going to be a good one. Ms. S talked to me a little bit and Mr. A said a few words to me, but for most of the night I was ignored and excluded. No one really talked to me, and the staff mostly talked amongst themselves. I felt out of place. I felt like I simply didn't belong. I only stayed about an hour or so and cried in the taxi on the way home. I felt so very, very alone.

Oh man do I know that feeling. That was the first YearlyKos for me. I just felt neglected. It sucked not hanging out with anyone. Late, when work for the day was done, I would mosey back to my hotel room, knowing that somewhere out there in Vegas was a good 700 people I knew from blogging were out there having fun, but not one of them were around.

I miss belonging. I miss having people to spend my weekends with. I feel so alone right now and I don't know how to change that. I don't know why people don't want to spend time with me. Am I not a nice person? Am I too loud? Am I too opinionated? Am I not pretty enough? I don't understand why no one wants to be my friend anymore.

I also completely understand the feeling of being abandoned by your friends. When I got married, I lost a lot of friends. Oddly enough, when they got married all of a sudden 4 years later they wanted to hang out. Like that would happen. When I had my first kid, I lost a lot more friends. And now we're homeowners and it seems that the few friends we've had have become completely unreliable. to the point of invisible. I no longer call or email them. I don't invite them over any more. I'm okay with that though. And in a few years we'll run into each other at Amoeba and they'll say something like, "Wow...it's been so long! How'd we lose touch? I need your email address." And they'll send me chain letters, stupid photos and email hoaxes until the end of eternity.

I hope that someone in that person's world reaches out and becomes friends with her. I hope she finds a hobby or interest that she loves and find people who become friends with her. I hope she finds people who enjoy her company and accepts her for who she is. I hope she finds happiness.

I feel like an outsider standing in the cold, looking into a window of a home where a happy family lives. I just stand there and watch, wondering what I did wrong to earn me the spot outside in the snow.

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