And then I talked to my shoes and guilt-shopped for tissues.

5 years ago

 

So, I think I might be irrational. Which I know is going  to come as an enormous shock to those of you regular readers who come to this blog each week because of my firm grasp on reality. But I think it needed to be said. 

I mean, just this morning I experienced multiple examples of irrational behavior all before getting to work, which made me realize that OH MY GOD I’M CRAZY. 

Example number one 

While leaving CB’s apartment this morning, I was waiting for the elevator and, because daylight savings time sucks the soul from my body and makes me hate daylight, I aggressively pushed the buttons for both elevators, just to have luck work on my side and get me downstairs faster. 

But then, in an unexpected twist, both elevators showed up at the same exact moment and I had to make a game-time decision. However, upon doing so, I immediately started to feel tremendous guilt over not choosing the other one, thinking, somehow, that this mass of motors and hydraulic fluid and steel would somehow have its feelings hurt for not being chosen. 

Which then lead me to feel guilt over being a greedy person, which then lead me to think about people who don’t even have access to elevators, which then lead me to thinking about people who don’t have access to running water, which reminded me that I really do need to get on CB’s case more for running the water while he brushes his teeth. 

Example number two 

While walking to the train, I had to stop at CVS to pick up a few items. However, it didn’t have some things that I needed, and so after much soul-searching, I decided to betray my loyalties and go to the Walgreens on the corner. 

Which lead to me guilt-shopping for an entire five minutes. 

You see, as CB has pointed out multiple times, I have “irrational feelings towards things that don’t make any sense and aren’t based in reality.” 

Also, it’s fulfilling to be in a relationship where I really feel understood. 

Me: Ugh, I hate her.

CB: Who?

Me: Jennifer Hudson.

CB: Why?

Me: I’m not sure, I can’t quite put my finger on it, but she bugs me.

CB: Ok.

Me: Doesn’t she bother you?

CB: I’ve never given it any thought.

Me: She bugs me. And I’m pretty sure I’m right.

CB: So this is one of those times where you’ve decided something not based on any actual facts but just your gut?

Me: What do you mean? I don’t do that.

CB: You do it all the time. First of all, you just used the word hate. Second, you are, like, the nicest person about everyone, but then you randomly choose people who bother you and harbor very strong, not necessarily rational, feelings towards them.

Me: I’ve never done that before Jennifer Hudson.

CB: Nicholas Cage?

Me: Everyone hates Nicholas Cage.

CB: Val Kilmer?

Me: Ditto.

CB: That one girl on the Insanity videos?

Me: Dude, she’s super-annoying, I’m right about her and it bugs me that you won’t just get on board about this. She won’t  even pull her hair back into a ponytail! Who DOES that? You’re working out, pull your hair back!

CB: I rest my case. 

  
Anyway, back to Walgreens. So, it’s possible that I occasionally do this with a lot with companies, and basically the key to working your way into my heart and loyalties is by being the first store I went to.
 

I’m incredibly discerning. 

You see, the CVS that I frequent has been very good to me. They’re open 24 hours a day, I know the pharmacist and where everything is, and I swear to God I get CVS discounts sent to me via email, like, every other day. It’s win/win. 

However, a few years ago a Walgreens opened up a block away, giving CVS some competition. Which, of course, immediately made me feel bad for CVS and the really friendly CVS greeter whose name I don’t know but had me concerned that he maybe feared for his job if the Walgreens was too successful. Like, I would randomly think about him and his job security when I wasn’t even at CVS. Which I think is extremely normal. 

However, up until today, I’d resisted going inside the evil Walgreens because I am loyal. And it’s possible that I have actually stood outside of that Walgreens on more than one occasion while a friend/family member goes inside for an item. 

It’s like I’m the Rosa Parks of shopping for toilet paper and greeting cards. I stand up for what I believe in. Except in this case, it makes, um, no sense. 

But whatever. I guilt-shopped, quickly picked up my items, tried not to make small-talk with the store clerk, and rushed out of there before the friendly greeter guy from CVS could see me betray him and all of his colleagues. 

I’m so ashamed. 

Example number three 

I may or may not spend more than a normal amount of time apologizing to my shoes. 

Let me explain. 

While getting dressed this morning, I had the option of wearing my black flats, my tan flats, or my metallic flats. And, I would assume, for most people this would not be a Sophie’s Choice moment. For me, however, I spent nearly five minutes trying to think of how many times over the course of the last few weeks I’d worn each pair, wanting to give them all equal foot-time. Obviously.

Please note: at no point was I concerned whether or not I’d worn the shoes too much, hence, worrying that people at work would think I only had three pairs of shoes. No no. I was worried for the shoes. My appearance had little to nothing to do with it.  

And so, after choosing the black flats, I actually said “I’m sorry, guys” to the other pairs as I put them back in the closet. And then PROMISED THE TAN SHOES I’D WEAR THEM TOMORROW.  

And then the nice men in white coats came to take me home. 

CB’s so lucky. 

Happy Monday, everyone! 

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