Oh, come on! Why do you look so serious? Gift giving should be fun!
Run through this list with me and get back in the mood. Remember, 'tis the season!
Maybe your schedules don't coincide right now. Or maybe he's on business a lot these days. Or maybe you are. Whatever the situation, there is no reason for a woman to miss out in waking in the manner to which she has become accustomed. Introducing the Little Rooster ($108), because nothing says "cock-a-doodle-doo!" like an alarm cock -- err -- alarm clock that pleasures you awake. Probably ideal for a large percentage of your girlfriends also.
Men care about what you think of their penises. What better way to reassure and amuse him than with How To Live With A Huge Penis ($10.36), a hilarious "self-help" book by Richard Jacob and Owen Thomas written to help men with OMG (Oversized Male Genitalia) deal with life in this treacherous world. Includes the hysterically funny game "Penis or Sirloin?" but you'll have to get the book to find out what it entails.
Diamonds are forever, it's true -- but sometimes you just want a quickie! Or six! The Original Condom luxury jewelry box ($20) enables you to get the point across to your partner without scandalizing all the relatives at the party. Just make sure the recipient doesn't, you know, get the wrong idea. Because this could go all kinds of wrong if he or she thought you were proposing.
You have a Snuggie. You might as well admit it -- by now everyone else does, too. But have you ever had sex in a Snuggie? Sure, it's not quite the fireplace and bear-skin rug scenario you envisioned for yourself this holiday season, but hey, it's a down economy, what can you do? You can get your significant other a copy of The Snuggie Sutra ($9.99) by Lex Friedman and Megan Morrison, that's what. Trust me. Blankets are good when you're eating this heartily.
"Woman's back" via Shutterstock.
Whipped cream is the staple of oral sex, right up there with chocolate sauce. But we're all grown-ups here, so how about we take it up a notch with Whipped Lightning’s Whipahol ($10), a delicious collection of wickedly flavored whipped creams infused with booze. Talk about happy hour.
Things getting a little stale in bed? Happens to everyone, and it's not that we don't know what to do -- the human animal is just too good at establishing a routine and streamlining it. Not to worry, Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight! by Jamye Waxman and Emily Morse ($13.30), has just the sort of the reminders you need. Not only is the book chock-full of awesome suggestions, the graphic art is fabulous enough to make you want to leave it on your coffee table for guests to ogle when they come over.
Lingerie is a common gift during the holidays, but if you want something a lover can really rip off, you need Dement, gorgeous line of French lingerie that's held together by magnets. A lover need never grope around for clasps again -- these cute numbers can turn any fumbling Casanova into an all-powerful Magneto. Just one more reason to get to Vegas. Look for Gregory's at the Venetian.
We all have a drama queen in our lives. Whether male or female, You Deserve A Medal ($15.00) by Stefan G. Bucher is a perfect book for the person who has loved, lost and loved again -- and overwhelmed your phone with millions text messages about their perilous journey from ecstasy to agony and back again. Give this little book as a way for them to commemorate forty of the heroic deeds that are most common in the contemporary quest for romance. It's only kind of bitchy. But it's better than coal, right? No, you can't include your mobile phone bill in the card.
OhMiBod's Club Vibe ($79) is a tiny vibrator one can wear out on the town in her panties. What makes it different from other wearable vibes: it responds to the music around you, whether you're at the club or the opera. Perfect for those music junkies that really get into each song, this tiny vibe delivers pleasure in five speeds and can be controlled wirelessly (up to 20 feet) via remote -- either by the person wearing it, or her partner. Now that sounds like fun.
From simple illustrated guides that explain how to give an erotic massage, execute an exquisite lap dance, and find the G-spot -- to graphics detailing the different styles of male and female intimate waxing and a variety of sexual positions, Get Laid: 152 Ways to Seal the Deal ($10.17) by Amanda Hunter is a little book everyone can use. Good for anyone who wants to take pleasure up a notch, whether male or female, coupled or playing the field.
While there is no substitute for speaking with empathy and warmth, there are ways to tackle the little things. Introducing KnockKnock's collection of Stickies ($3.75) and Note Pads ($4.50). In a culture of monitors, sometimes slapping something on the screen is a little more effective than yelling from the next room. All the better if the note elicits a chuckle. You can browse my personal favorites here.