You're Doing it Wrong

4 years ago

Hey guys it's Monday. You hate everything. I hate everything. We've accepted that Mondays are just universally hated because it's the day that says "hey, I'm here and now you can't take any naps and you forgot that report that your boss wanted 20 minutes ago."  Monday just does it wrong every week so this week I'm calling it out on its bullshit and going back to my roots in a short series called "You're Doing it Wrong."

This blog mostly used to be about pet peeves and people I hate because I have a lot of both and a lot of feelings about them. The people aren't specific, just general pimples on the face of society who lack the basic common courtesy and social skills that make this world an easier place to live. They are, as I like to call them, barn animals. "You're Doing it Wrong" is a list of grievances against people and behaviors that I find generally offensive and rage-provoking and you probably do too.

This week, you're doing it wrong if...'re walking in a crosswalk without a sense of urgency.

There is honestly no human I hate more than the one who looks me directly in the eye as they practically crawl across a crosswalk that I would like to turn into. It's a deliberate snail's pace shuffle that is intended to piss off drivers because this is the only way a pedestrian has the upper hand. And don't even get me started on that direct stare, like the pedestrian is DARING ME to step on the gas. (Obviously I would never willingly hit anyone.) It is a silent and bold acknowledgement that in this very moment, the pedestrian not only has the right of way but that they like to abuse that right.

Here's the thing about being a pedestrian: the law says that as a mobile human being on a public on a street, you have the right of way when you're in the crosswalk (and even sometimes when you're not). The laws of gravity are the opposite. The law of gravity says "This car is bigger than you, you will sustain terrible bodily injury and possibly death if you keep eyeballing me like you are doing and do not move the fuck out of the way."

As far as I (and every other driver) am concerned, your responsibility as a pedestrian is to cross the street quickly, almost as if you are being chased.


And if your priority isn't to cross the street as fast as possible, eliminating as many variables as you can that will bring you bodily harm, then maybe it's time to reevaluate your life priorities. Mostly the ones that involve sustaining life.

You're doing it wrong if...'re not putting your basket back in its cart home at the store.

There are two subcategories of this offense which make it a double offense.

1. When you don't put the cart in a controlled space, it has infinite potential to damage other cars. Those little cart cages are there for a reason so unlike speed limits, they're not suggestions. They are a direct invitation to store your shopping cart in a place that prevents it from damaging or destroying any other property besides other shopping carts. I don't care if the parking lot is full of shitty, paint-stripped cars like mine, you are a disrespectful baboon if you think it's OK to let your cart just wander the parking lot, bumping into cars and making the parking lot a logistical mine field. I hate when I pull into a parking space, drunk on the victory of finding a spot close to the front, only to find that there is a FUCKING CART IN THE SPACE. ASLKJAFOSID NOOOOOOOO. Could I get out and move it? Sure. But why should I get out and move it when it was someone else's job to not put it there in the first place.  Oh and don't think that propping your cart on a parking lot island is a legit form of cart storage. Just because the front wheels are propped up in a bed of rocks doesn't mean that the cart doesn't have the potential to roll away. Also when you park it that way it will eight times out of ten, it will be in the way of a space that someone may want to park in.

2. You make more work for the cart wranglers who have hands down the worst retail job on planet earth. Do they draw straws for this duty daily? Because I'm sure no one willingly signs up for this particular job which is basically the equivalent of a mom picking up behind her kids. Those carts are heavy, most of them have at minimum one bad wheel that makes the entire cart hard to move and they are dirty, disgusting monuments to human hygiene. And it's someone's job to wrangle them from all corners of a store parking lot because customers just didn't feel like walking it another 15 feet to the cart storage. If you have a few extra seconds and didn't have to park all the way in the back, run the cart up to the front storage cart area so that it's one less cart that the poor oaf who drew the short straw has to worry about. Or even better, offer it to someone else who's going into the store. It's an unexpected kindness that also works in your favor because less work for you! It doesn't matter if the store has one cart storage area or six, put that fucking cart back where it belongs.

If you have a suggestion for "You're Doing It Wrong" that you think should be covered, drop it in the comments!

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