Unsolicited Advice for girlfriend of commit phobe boyfriend

4 years ago

You know what's really awesome about getting older, besides menapause, and a second chin,  and being excited about jeans that have lycra...It's the realization that you know everything there is to know about life, friends, ex-husbands, old jobs and co-workers, and, of course, your children.  And better yet, you have an opinion to share, so even if I'm unsure about the answer, I always have wikopedia, but more often then not, even if you don't have a question, guaranteed, I will have an answer for you.


I'm 52 years old and I've just recently discovered I know  EVERYTHING there is to know on all the important things, like where to get the best hamburger in Milwaukee , fantastic tips on child rearing, best way to grill a grilled cheese, and why everyone should take one night out of the week and call it a "TV dinner night"...Now, my second husband sort of agrees with most of my opinions but he more or less takes a different approach, like; 

"Whatever you say honey, I'm going to Menards now so don't bother me..."  I think of it as a rather unique term of endearment...more tender then "are you off your hormone drugs?"  Or, "why don't you just take a nap now and leave the kids alone..."  Stuff like that.  Myself, I feel kind of sad my family isn't clamoring for all of my unsolicited wisdom, but the cool thing about Blogher is that ever so often some poor soul will post something on her blog, a post that's simply begging for my unique observation...like for instance this unsuspecting blogger Tahnyakristina, who was simply posting on Blogher at the wrong...oops, right time for me because her title "Should I give my boyfriend an ultimatum" was simply begging for my insight...and I, in all my glorious wisdom set down my beer for a couple of minutes and summoned all my rightous authority as an old chick over 50 to provide Tahnyakristina with the true meaning of life, carefully choosing the right words that won't scar her, should she actually follow my  advice, developed over a period of years that included a failed marriage, angry divorce, and several diet plans from some of the best diet companies in the country, before I settled on whatever hormone drug Suzanne Sommers was hawking this week on QVC,  So, here it goes @Tahnyakristina...this post is for you!

 I was in a relationship for 8 years before I married my boyfriend...7 of those years were filled with "when are we getting married, why don't you want to get married now, when will you be ready?"  Then I would give him a time limit...and, I suspect you're going to guess what happened next...when that time limit ran out, I'd give him a new one...you know, because I'm so nice...

Well, we did eventually get married, but not because I gave him an ultimatum...Nope, what finally happened was I simply left the doctor's positive pregnancy test posted on the fridge under a cow magnet.  That got his attention.

So we did get married.  And it was not a happy marriage.  And when it ended over 9 years later, I was happier than when I walked down the aisle with him.  I don't regret my children.  And my ex and I are really great friends now.


But BELIEVE him when he says he doesn't want to get married.  And living happily with him won't change his mind.   If you REALLY WANT TO GET MARRIED...OK, this is going to sound harsh but I don't mean it in a bad way...LEAVE HIM.  On friendly terms.  Tell him you still love him because it's the truth.  But, well, here's one of the lines I used, although unfortunately I used it over 9 years later when I was walking out the door for the last time (with two young kids in tow)..."If I knew that tomorrow was my last day on earth, I don't want to spend it living this way with you."  Use it ONLY when you really mean it.  Leaving him isn't necessarily leaving for good, but I'm gonna give you the best advice ever given me;


Is there anything that is going to happen NOW that is going to change his opinion of you RIGHT NOW?  Is there really anything that is going to change for either of you in the next 10 years except YOU WILL BE 10 YEARS OLDER...

Think about that for a moment...10 years from now, still in the same relationship with a guy that doesn't want to marry you.  Is that really OK for YOU? 

Your time is more precious then money.  I'm 52 years old, and when I wasn't looking time went speeding on by me.  I want you to spend a couple of minutes thinking about how YOU would live if he wasn't in your life, if you had never met him, if he didn't exist.  Is this how you would be living your life...shoot, maybe I should've typed that in all caps...perhaps that's too dramatic, but then again, maybe this would help drive home what I'm trying to say...ARE YOU LIVING THE LIFE YOU WANT TO LIVE RIGHT NOW, BUT YOU'RE NOT BECAUSE HE'S IN IT?

If I could do it all over right now...yikes, that's a tough one...because I have two kids that I would walk through hell for, so maybe I got my my fairy tale happy ending after all.  But the divorce was brutal, and angry for a long time, and it took a long time for the kids to recover, and it's only just recently that I've been able to re-establish a relationship with his family who I loved (and missed) very much...

There were no bad people in my marriage, just a guy who didn't want to get married, and me...so headstrong in my belief that my love could convince him to change his mind about marriage.  My only regrets about the massive amount of time I wasted begging him for 8 years...I should've spent less time begging, spending  more time living the life I wanted to live if I hadn't been so worried about not being in his radar,

 AND,  I would've spent more time with my parents and girlfriends, and I would've had more cats.  I LOVE cats...And I would've gone on a tornado chasing tour, because that just sounds like a lot of fun.  Maybe with a couple of my cats in the car.  I'd have the persian riding shotgun!


Well, good luck hon...:  ) 


Cindy Huber

This is an article written by one of the incredible members of the SheKnows Community. The SheKnows editorial team has not edited, vetted or endorsed the content of this post. Want to join our amazing community and share your own story? Sign up here.

More from living

by Kimberly Peta Dewhirst
| 4 days ago
by Kimberly Peta Dewhirst
| 10 days ago
by Christina Marfice
| 13 days ago
by Laura Williams
| 14 days ago
by Christina Marfice
| 15 days ago
by Justina Huddleston
| 16 days ago