Exwifenewlife is officially one year old!! No autographs please, and Lisa Kudrow have your agent call my agent if you would like to play me in the movie. You too Julia Roberts. Yes Brad, you can play my love interest, but I don't want all those brats hanging around the set. How did you get my number anyway?
No, seriously, this year has been just a whirlwind for me, what with all the wheeling, dealing and socializing I tend to do. I think now is a good time to stop and take stock, and actually list 10 things I have learned since living as an ex-wife.
Observations of an Ex-Wife
1. Divorce attorney is another way of saying, "You're fucked any way you look at it. Just pay me a retainer of 10k so I can explain to you how badly, over an endless pasta bowl at Olive Garden. My treat."
2. Running into your ex's new wife at Publix while you are shoving free samples of pulled pork into your mouth is not the end of the world. Just wipe the sauce off your face and move on with dignity.
3. Getting botox injections on the sides of your mouth will cause anything you drink to dribble down the front of your shirt without you ever knowing it. Just a heads up.
4. Girls night now means sitting hunched over the table with your purse on your lap, squinting at the wine list while wearing glitzy pink readers from CVS.
5. You will not be able to pull up your Spanx if there is even one drop of water on your leg. I pulled a hammie attempting this. Please take the time to dry off.
6. Instead of saying "OMG YOU SO ARE NOT!" when you say, "Ugh I feel so fat," people will just nod silently in agreement or worse yet....look away.
7. Alimony means, this is what your ex is required by law to pay you every month, without fail. Unless for some reason he can't.
8. The menopausal sweat look is the new youthful dewy look.
9. It's nice of you to clean out your son's room when he goes away to college and get rid of all that cat nip that your kitty has been hoarding in the corner of his closet. OMG...wait...
10. Life's possibilities are endless.
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