Wipe it CLEAN!
If I could erase one thing from my memory what would it be??? Not what you think, I am sure.
There are a handful of memories that are so heinous I wish they could be forgotten. But then again, some of these horrible things shaped me. So I guess I had to have them to turn into the awesome chick I am today. Out of the fire and all that jazz....
As a mother of two girls who will one day have boyfriends who will break their little hearts into bits and pieces...I have a single memory that I wish I could forget because I am afraid it will impact my parenting one day.....
When my long term boyfriend of forever told me it was over, I lost my ever loving mind. For real. Certifiably. Nutso crazy. It just was so unreal and such complete bullshit. We had planned, prepared, packed, and shipped pretty much everything we had, to NY from AZ. The weekend before I was supposed to fly to NY to live....he flew to AZ and broke up with me. Umm!!! Say what?
So, after I carried on like a fool begging for a reason that made sense other than the line of bull he was trying to feed me...I finally got the dipshit to admit he had started a relationship with a chick in NY. You see, I had a job so I was still in AZ....WORKING, while he, spoiled little rich boy, was summering in NY deciding on his "future". He met a girl and the rest is infidel history.
But my entire life was hella blown apart now. I had no job, no home, no belongings except for what I needed to dress every day, and our future was quashed. He said he would ship my stuff back to me, and "allow" me to stay in our condo until I got "on my feet".
I pretty much wanted to kill him. Kill I say. I had given him all of my power. Handed it right over to him and never even knew it was gone until he reminded me by dismantling our life with a few words.
So, I let him go. (I mean, I did not kill him and I let him leave the condo alive). I then started my new job....FIND OUT WHO THE BITCH WAS THAT STOLE MY LIFE!!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This behavior is the memory I wish I could erase.
I was crazy relentless. I mean this was 1987. Not really the computer age we have today. I was using old school tactics. Between crying jags and hours of pacing, I sleuthed through phone bills and emails. I made phone calls to his sister and got HIM to reveal shit that would help my stalking search. Her name was Susan. She worked at Bloomingdale's in Flushing Queens. She sounded like a man on the phone...when I called her at work. An angry man.
~~Side story, I found out a few years later...WHEN WE GOT BACK TOGETHER...ugh, that she was an abuser. Like physically. She hit him. Swear I am not laughing at this because it is not funny, just ironic...and weird...and super sad~~
Looking back at my behavior is embarrassing. I can't believe I was so nuts. The hours on the phone crying and carrying on. It's just so tragic.
Everyone knows I eventually moved to NY and tricked that ass into financing most of it. In fact I fully told him to give me $3000 as payment for my pain and suffering. And. He. Did!!!! My behavior was deplorable and I do not feel good about any of it. Here is the scary part; I think most of us have been there. Maybe not to my nutty extreme but in the neighborhood. So my girls may be tempted to go there too.
NOT ON MY WATCH!
No boy is worth it. No man will ever put you in this space if you learn early on that you must hold onto your power. You cannot give yourself away to another person with nothing left for yourself. Go in full and strong and no matter what...you will survive.
My girls do not have boyfriends. Way too young for that. A friend of my daughter had a boyfriend last year. They broke up a few times and got back together and finally ended it "forever" a few weeks before school was out. My child spoke at length about this boy/girl drama and I offered this bird's eye view: That beautiful young girl "WASTED" her entire school year on one boy. On one relationship. To the detriment of her Middle School experience. Relationships with girls were damaged, experiences with other boys were squandered, and intense feelings were felt WAY ahead of their time....and for what? To what end? I have heard her say that she actually felt a kind of hatred towards this boy. It is too much, too soon. The feelings of everyday life as a newly minted teenager, are intense enough....be a kid for a bit longer. Have many friends, including boys, but don't limit yourself at such a young age.
I sound like an old lady to her I am sure.
But I know what could be coming. I know what kind of pain and suffering could be around the way. Give ME more time to get you all tuned up and ready to fight the good fight...I mean avoid the conflict...I mean fall in love the right way with a guy that would not try to break you for his own selfish pleasure. Oh hell....it's going to be bad. Or awesome. Or both. Probably both. Times two. Because I have 2 daughters.
I cautioned my husband, just last night, to watch how he talks about women. One day some ass is going to talk about YOUR DAUGHTERS that way. He lost his mind at the thought. Yep....using my powers for good. I am on duty. The buck stops here. I will arm my girls....I pity the fool that tries to break them.
I have a well-documented history that shows what I can accomplish if you cross me. And that shit runs downhill.
I dare you to forget about that.....if I ran into ol' whatshisface I guarantee he still remembers....
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