Why you should NEVER go anywhere with me and my mother

5 years ago

My mother and I are scary when we are out together. Here is a true story to prove that fact.

If you missed my last two posts, I went on a field trip with the Kindergarten class this past Tuesday. You can catch up by reading Part One and Part Two, if you’d like.  On this field trip, mom (Mimi) came along with us.

We pulled out of the school parking lot, beginning our drive following the convoy of cars heading to the farm. We were all happy and excited…mom brought her GPS and suctioned it to the window…you know, just in case. It didn’t look like things were off to a good start though,when the very first turn, the GPS lady told me to turn left….and we noticed the school bus was turning right. I made an executive decision to follow the bus.

Only, we have now confused the GPS lady. She plans on us going her way. Do you have a GPS, or ever heard one? The “ladies voice” is very calm. She isn’t all “OMG!!!! TURN AROUND, T U R N   A R O U N D!!!!!!! Instead, she has a way of making you feel like there isn’t a care in the world. In her soft, mellow voice…

“In 60 feet, turn…left…, then…turn left…again…”

Even when things get really bad she doesn’t freak out.

“At your first opportunity…turn…around…immediately…”

This is exactly the type voice I need talking to me, when I’m confused. Anyway, we made it to the farm following the route the school bus took us on, listening to the GPS lady telling us everything we were doing wrong.

We  enjoyed our farm tour, and were loading up the car getting ready to head back home. It took awhile to get Liv changed and buckled and all our stuff put back. And of course we were talking as we usually do…about nothing…and everything. Then Mom interrupted our path of conversation by saying, “Hey… isn’t that our bus we need to follow?”

We were both silent for a few seconds as we watched the tail lights disappear around a curved dirt road.

Then both in unison, exclaim – “OH CRAP!!!”

We threw on our seat belts, I threw the car in reverse and whipped it around, high tailing it after the bus, only to barrel up on a car in front of me….poking along. I could not get around the car!!!, It obviously had no place to go and all the time in the world to get there.  We reached the end of the long dirt road and turned right onto the main road because we knew we turned left to go in, so we must turn right to go out. We are so clever.

The slow car was still in front of us. It turned right also. Shocking. I wanted to lay on the horn SO BAD. I was mentally shouting at “Molasses” in front of me  - Get outta my WAY!!!! Do you know us???? Do you?!?! We DO NOT need to be the ones getting lost, trust me. NOW MOVE IT!!!! M O V E   I T !!!!!!

Waaaay up ahead we see the glimpse of the school bus getting ready to turn left onto ahighway. Woohoo! We are good. We merge onto the highway and I floor it moving around “grandpa” trying to catch up to the bus. I’m getting closer but the traffic starts to get dense. And it is harder to spot the bus. As I’m trying to locate it and also maneuver through the traffic, mom says…”Uh oh”…

We both see that the bus has exited off the highway and is sitting at a stop light at the end of the exit ramp, while we are happily breezing right by missing it entirely.

Now we are on our own. Heading down a highway that we should not be on – and not having a clue where we are and how to route ourselves back. Mom pulls out the GPS and tries to program it to get us back home. She starts out talking to it, using voice recognition. Hilarious! She gives the city and state by talking very loudly and slowly. It doesn’t register, so she tries again. Doesn’t work.

“What’s the school’s address?” she asks.  I tell her I have no idea. She tries to program in the school name, but that doesn’t work either. We are still driving down the highway, clearly getting deeper in trouble every second. “Just key in my address”, I tell her. I knew if we could head that way I would notice landmarks and then be able to figure out how to get back to school. She tried. My address was not recognized.

She loudly and slowly talks to it again…(hilarious) does some more keying, and finally it picks up my home address. Only by now, we have traveled down the highway for quite a bit,  and it will take us longer to get back.  We both don’t care. We just know at this point we will make it back.  We pull into the school parking lot. I feel exhausted. I have been through a trauma, ya’ll. The GPS lady has stopped speaking to me. It’s pretty bad when you make the GPS lady quit her job. Just kidding about that part. In case you were thinking “how can the GPS lady quit?”

Oh nevermind! The point is, these things happen to us all the time.  So this is a friendly reminder that if you ever plan on being with us on a trip, remember to make up an excuse to drive separately. You’ll be so glad you did.


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