When I Grow Up

4 years ago

When I was 17 I wanted to be a psychologist or psychiatrist. I wanted to sit in an office with my name on the door and listen to people talk to me about their problems. I thought that seemed fairly easy. At some point I realized I don't give a shit about other people's problems and have you ever listened to someone talk about themselves for an hour straight? It's fuckin awful.


This could be why the psychiatrist I saw in my 20s seemed like he was falling asleep. I was boring him. I might as well have been talking to a plastic blow up doll because all that guy did was nod and charge me money.




You are nuts. And, I don't care

So I moved on to other things. Like sitting at a desk answering the phone. And filing pieces of paper away into numbered folders. In Florida I did welcome calls for a mortgage company who was in the  business of buying mortgages from bigger companies and then servicing them. So, I was the welcome committee. But people didn't see me as a welcome anything. People hate it when mortgage companies call. They hated my phone call when they were trying to relax. "Hi, I"m Kelly from your new mortgage company. I'm calling to welcome you to the company and see if you have any questions."

The person on the other line, "Please take me off the calling list."

Me: "But we are your real mortgage company, we just bought your mortgage."

Ignorant consumer:  "My mortgage was sold?" Why?"

Me: "Just because. That's what mortgage companies do."

IC: "Don't call here anymore."


Sometimes no one would answer so I'd leave a message. I must have listened to 100 answering machine messages a day. They are so annoying and may be the reason I don't listen to them now and I NEVER leave a message for anyone. And, I would encourage you to never, ever leave me a message either. Thanks.


The best messages, and by best, I mean mind numbing awful, were the ones where people recite entire Bible verses on their answering machines. If you do this. Stop now.


Ring Ring Ring. I'm sitting at my desk working my minimum wage job and I'm held captive to other people's religious beliefs. "Hello, you've called blah blah blah, 'For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. Have a blessed day. Jesus is Lord."


My son is graduating soon and people are asking him what he wants to do for the rest of his life. Someone asked him that his freshmen year and he told them, "I want to be a mechanic." So that person approached me and said, "I heard Tyler wants to be a mechanic." And I was like, "WHAT?" He might as well drop out of school then. I think he is confused. Do you mean like for cars? Tyler has never fixed anything in his life. In fact, he breaks shit more than anything. He was clearly confused. I had to tell Tyler that a mechanic FIXES things. Not breaks them. He quickly changed his mind.


Then he wanted to be an English teacher in Japan. Now he might want to be a personal trainer. I heard him tell someone the other day he might want to be a marine biologist.


He doesn't bitch ass know what he wants to do, so I think he is just making shit up. He took Marine Biology last semester so now he wants to be a Marine Biologist. He is taking Sociology this semester so perhaps he wants to be a sociologist. He asked me the other day if I thought he should major in Anthropology, and I was like, "Isn't that a clothing store in Scottsdale?" Maybe if I take him to the zoo he'll want to be a Koala Bear.


Twice this week I was asked what it is that led me to the teaching profession. And, maybe part of my answer is, "I didn't want to hear Bible verses on answering machines anymore." Or, "I kept getting paper cuts filing all that goddamn paper into stupid numbered file folders."


There are also some people who have jobs that they should not have. Like everyone at the DMV. You must have landed that job on accident and out of pure desperation.




You are number 97. Please enjoy our metal, plastic chairs and stare at strangers while you wait for one of our rude employees to treat you like you're a moron. Thanks!


Other jobs include people who work customer service and must answer the same 4 questions all day long. God bless them. But you are all bitches. Get a different job if you're going to be such a miserable wretch. It is now my goal in life to tell every bitchy customer service phone person that he or she is in fact, a bitch, if the situation calls for it. That is my new life passion and one that I am taking very seriously.


Anyway, I've been filling out applications online for my son for about 2 years. I have taken about 75 personality tests all for jobs that I would never, ever, intentionally want to have like these: Grocery Bagger, Dishwasher, Product Stocker, Bus Boy, Barista, Server, Prep Cook, Yogurt Server, Host, and Cashier.


All of these jobs have true or false questions on their website like: Sometimes people are annoying.

Um, how do you answer that? Of course they are annoying. But, do you admit it? No, you lie. I love people and their dumbness and ignorance. I love coming to work to do the same 3 things over and over and over again.

Here are more dumbass questions they ask people who apply for the worst jobs in the world:


 I am more casual than strict about getting to work on time.

And: It is okay to steal from the company you work for if no one ever finds out

And: When a job is boring, it is hard to care about it

And: I like to be in large groups of people

And: I have seriously thought about quitting high school

And: I am adventurous and take risks when I need to

And my favorite: I do not fake being nice to people


People who are applying for the lowest of low jobs have to start off their crap ass jobs by lying! The people who really, really, really want to be a bus boy are quite possibly mentally challenged or felons.No one really WANTS to clean old food off plates. Good god.


 I didn't have to take a personality test to be a teacher. It should be necessary though. Because I've seen some teachers with the personality of a DMV employee or a customer service representative.


But, I've also seen some super friendly cashier people and servers. It's like they are in love with standing up all day. Those over happy people are just as intriguing as the angry people.


Being nice to people is really exhausting. It takes a great deal of effort to be nice to stupid people. It is a skill. Of course we all fake being nice to people, we all think people are annoying, and when a job is fuckin boring it's hard to care about it. I don't know what kind of people are writing these personality tests, but they are clearly delusional and must know that every one is going to lie. That's how we get by as a society. Lies.


So the next time you apply for a job that you don't really want, but that you really need, you're gonna have to lie. You're gonna have to be nice to people who are dumb and you're gonna have to fake being nice.


So if you don't know what you want to be when you grow up, that's okay. I didn't know until I was 27 and it's still sometimes hard to fake being nice. And if you decide to be a customer service representative and you're a bitch. I will tell you so. I don't have to lie.

I'm not angry;I'm passionate

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