What Using All Caps Says About You

4 years ago

I was people watching the other day and I when I do that a lot of different thoughts go through my head. I would never say them out loud, okay, I would, but not to that person. So when you go out of the house with no makeup on looking like hell and you think no one is looking at you. I probably am. And, I'm probably not being very nice about it either.


In my own private thoughts I contemplate the sheer ugliness of people. I wonder if they get better looking once you get to know them. I wonder who married them and I'm interested to know their beauty routine in the morning. I feel bad for thinking they are ugly. Sometimes though, some people are so nice their ugly face fades away when you get to know them. It's so strange and wonderful. Like the movie, Mask. That was a good movie with a  valuable lesson about ugly people. And, in my head I think of ways to help them out of ugliness. I think about makeup and hair changes. I think about clothing adjustments. I give this person an extreme makeover while they are just walking by me. I know that's not nice but sometimes I'm not nice and neither are you.


I also wonder why old people look like they're melting. I wonder if moisturizer would have helped them and if now they are at the point of no return, so maybe they don't try. I wonder if genetics play the biggest role in whether or not you look old and dumpy. I wonder if I'm going to look like my face is melting someday and if I'll wish I would have moisturized more. I wonder if expensive lotion works better than cheap lotion and if all rich people look younger than poor people and how unfair that seems to be if it were true.


I also observe people who are mean. There is a look that mean people develop. It's hard to explain. They just look mean and they usually are mean. I wonder if mean people know they are mean. I wonder if being mean all the time makes them tired. It takes a lot of effort  for me to be mean. When I have to be mean, which my 4 -year old tells me all the time that I am, I feel like I've used a super power and now I'm tired and need to refuel. It takes energy to be crabby all the time and it starts to affect your face.  You look overly stern or sad or angular. Mean people have a mean quality, an essence. There is a lady at a place I go to often who is mean. I watch her while I pretend to read. She is snippy, condescending and mean to her kid. She scares me. Now, I'm all about being mean to kids, but she, in my eyes, has carried it over into a militant like skill. I actually sit on the other side of the room from her now because I feel like she might yell at me to get sit up straight.


Then there are the nice but strange people. I love to watch them. They are fun and weird and fantastically odd. These people remind me of cartoon characters or exaggerated characters in movies. There is a lady at the gym who takes kickboxing and while I don't look suave, she looks like she's landed outside of her fishbowl. Her movements are exaggerated and watching her makes me happy. She is odd. I like to change the names of these people and call them by their movie names. The other day I was talking about one of these nice, weird people and I called her, "The girl from Napoleon Dynamite." That's her name because I don't actually know the name of the girl in the movie. I like to look at these people like I'm trying to figure out a math problem, kind of squinty and with only guesses but no real answers.

I would buy one of those bracelets.


 Now take all these people I listed above and put them under one roof. This is what it becomes: Work.  These people are there. And you are one of them. You think they are weird and mean and ugly and stupid and they think the same thing about you. Shiiiiit. I don't like that.


All of these weird, mean, old, melting, ugly people have to try and work together and agree on shit. It's fuckin weird and unnatural and I'm surprised more people don't punch each other in the face. I bet that's why there is a law against punching people. It's called assault and it's just not nice. But we can all understand how it happens. And we secretly wish we could do it. We have laws because people punching each other in the face was happening far too often. It was becoming a problem. There isn't a law for things that aren't problems yet. When things become a problem, society makes a law. So you can't punch people in the face who you don't like. However, you can talk about it all you want and even make memes and posters about assaulting others. That's totally okay and other people really like them too.






Punching people in the face is frowned upon.

Other people are all so different and interesting. The other people who I think are the most annoying and bat shit crazy seem to have other people who like them. They have friends and spouses who probably tell them they are okay and super cool. It reminds me of the SNL skit, Red Flag. Because of that skit I now call people Red Flag Crazy versus other types of crazy. There is a speical category for Red Flag Crazy. That means there were warning signs you chose to ignore about that person and now you got a crazy mo fo on your hands.



This week I had to deal with people who I think are weird or mean or both and I stared at a lot at people too for the same reason. I contemplate far too much my interactions with others and I reflect on what I think versus what they think even though I don't know what they think and can't fuckin fathom how and why they think that way. I wonder how we reach different conclusions about the same subject. And I conclude that we will just have to agree to disagree. Some people are okay with this concept and others send me text messages in all caps. ALL CAPS = ALL CRAZY. When you send someone either a whole or partial text message in all caps, you've reached the end of your rope. You are on the edge and need to put your phone in a drawer and take your Red Flag Crazy medication.


So when I get a text message from you and it reads like this:


Me: I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree and start from this point.


Me: There are a lot of things wrong with me, but I have the feeling that even more things are wrong with you. 


Me: Okay.

Texting me in all caps does not build your credibility. Texting in all caps makes you seem unstable. Texting in all caps makes me glad that we are not speaking in person or in public. Texting in all caps does not accomplish much of anything except a very special blog about you.

If you send me this message. You are Red Flag, Bat Shit Crazy. You should have a background check before someone gives you another cell phone.




I'm also glad there is a law against punching people in the face. I wear contacts and I'd hate to lose one. That person probably wants to punch me in the face.

I'm not angry;I'm passionate

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