What NOT To Do On Maui

9 years ago

Five days into our Maui vacation and we were bored out of our minds. Bored, bored, bored. I mean you can only see so many whales, sunsets, waterfalls, and volcanos (YAWN! Am I right?). So we decided to go off the beaten path. There’s this place we found called Aloha Joe’s Fly-By-Night Maui Vacation and Island Adventure Tours, Inc. And based on several packages we embarked on, I can now safely tell you what NOT to do on a Maui vacation.

Harpoon Lessons

This is an exhausting all day tour with no lunch breaks. Lessons in the morning, immediately followed by a sun-burning, sea-sickening whale hunt. Also, they yell at you if you accidentally stab a dolphin. Sheesh! What do they expect from beginners? Plus, my dad can’t see very well anyway. We won’t be doing this tour again.

Playing With Feral Cats

For $29.00 they only give you one bag of live rats and one hour in a pen of feral cats. At least they let you pet them. I would have taken pictures, but the cute little kitties ate my right hand. Which is the one I use to take photos.

Helicopter Diving

This is the one you’ve probably heard about where you dive out of a helicopter into the Haleakala Crater. At night. You don’t get a parachute or anything, but at least this time, they send you down with a bag lunch.

Baby Seal Clubbing

Sorry. We thought this was going to be a nightclub. With dancing or something. With baby seals. It sounded so magical in the brochure.

A Taste of Hawaii

An all-you-can-eat-buffet of poi. That’s it, just poi. Oh, and Mai Tais. Each table is supplied with barf bags. Thank God.

Being the nonconfrontational person that I am, I meekly tried to complain to the tourist company, but they blustered back at me about how you can’t please some people and what snobby haoles we were. Needless to say, we’re pretty much done with Maui.

After two weeks of daily messages to my travel agent, she finally called back and set us up for another vacation. Next stop: Columbia. She says the country is beautiful, but it’s the people that really take you away.

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