November has a history of events that have been sad and/or traumatic, and I tend to fall into a pretty rotten depression for most of the month. I hide from the world, and even from close friends and immediate family members. It's the most difficult four weeks of my year, and it opens every wound there is, every single year.
I knew, because of very traumatic event that happened at the beginning of last December, that this year my November was going to be even more difficult to get through with my sanity intact. But tonight I've yet another heavy load tossed on my shoulders, and it's about to break me. I know people usually say that God doesn't give us more than He knows we can handle...darn, I wish He didn't have so much confidence in my strength!!
I've been talking to my oldest daughter in South Carolina this evening, several different times, and I think she's finally reached her breaking point and is really, truly ready to come home. The problem is, at this point in time, she has no money and no options, and no one up here in Ohio can make the trip down there to get her. The last time I talked to her, she was so upset and so defeated, she was talking about wishing she were just dead, because then someone would HAVE to come down there, to get her nearly 2 yr old son.
Once again, I feel like I'm letting her down, just like I have SO many times before in her life. I'm her mother, dammit, I'm supposed to be able to be there for her, to help her. to take care of her!!! She and that little boy don't deserve the crap they've been through, and they need to be here with us, where they're loved, supported, encouraged, and protected. I just feel so totally USELESS to her at this point!!!
I can't take any more....November, I surrender......