This was the first fall in 18 years that I did not go back to the classroom. Even though I miss my students, their families and my co-workers, I am enjoying my new life as a blogger.
As an ex-teacher, I now have the freedom to share some back to school tips with you that you will not find in your school handbook.
Ask any teacher and they will tell you that they love their students. They will tell you that they love teaching. They will tell you that they love MOST of the parents. If alcohol is involved, they might even admit that there are just a few things that they wish they could say to just a handful of parents.
But, they cannot say these things because they must uphold the teacher code. The code that says they cannot bitch about their student's parents. The code that says they must nod and smile in the face of complete disrespect. The code that says they cannot roll their eyes when a Kindergarten parent asks if they can wipe little Johnny's bottom.
I no longer have to follow this code. So ... here you go.
1. If your little darling has lice and your idea of "treating" it includes mayonnaise or incense, I would like to personally remove every single bug from your child's head and serve them to you on your seaweed wrap for lunch.
2. If your little darling comes to school and reports "I threw up this morning, but Mommy and Daddy have a busy day so I had to come to school, anyway" I would like to drop off not only your vomiting child but also the 23 newly infected vomiters to your very important workplace.
3. If you are consistently late picking up your child because your tanning session ran late, the Girls Day Out got crazy, or you just had to finish up your very important meeting, I would like to enjoy some time at Starbucks tomorrow morning while you wait for me to arrive to the classroom.
4. If you point to your cell phone and mouth "I'm on the phone" during a parent teacher conference, I would like to point to my ass and mouth the words "Suck it!"
5. If your SUV the size of an ocean liner is holding up the pick up/drop off line while you French braid little Janie's hair or sing the ABC's with little Joey, all the while balancing your cell phone, I would like to give all the waiting parents behind you a turn with a baseball bat in a game I would call "SUV Pinata!"
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(Originally posted at In The Powder Room)
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