I felt like my heart was gone.
I believed- deeply believed- that life was hopeless, and all I can do is try not to think too hard about it, try to distract myself with other things, because if I face reality, I have no logical argument against crying all the time.
This was 4 and a half years ago, right after the guy I was dating broke up with me. And I had been obsessed with boys and dating for so long, I didn't know how to exist without longing for it, hurting from it, crying over it.
The obsession started 2 years before that. There was a different guy I liked, and the feelings were unlike anything I'd felt before. (Every teenager thinks their love is so pure and unique...) So I decided to chase it with everything that I had. It made me happy to think about this guy- so I thought about him all the time. I wanted him to be in every part of my life. I wished I could spend all my time with him.
It was desire and obsession, and I called it "love". That's ridiculous- love is about putting someone else above yourself. But I didn't care what he wanted- I just wanted him to be with me.
He was definitely the most important thing in my life. Weird, because we were never actually dating. But I learned from movies that being in love is so pure and special and infinitely valuable- surely it could not be stopped by some small issue such as him having no idea I liked him.
But time went on, and it became harder and harder for me to avoid facing the truth. My mind was divided, hiding from itself- one part of me knew that me and this boy would never be together, and one part of me would be destroyed if she ever found that out.
Continue reading: That Time Jesus Rescued Me.
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