Is there a message in this massage?

5 years ago

Because times are hard and I’m not rich (yet), I decided to put the moolah for my monthly massage membership (try saying that three times fast) towards other, more necessary things. Like, for example, sushi, pedicures, and a crown -->which, in hindsight, probably should have been a root canal. Besides, with the advent of Groupon, you can now get a whole boat load of massages for a nickel.

Picture via everydayfunnyfunny


Anyway, as I contemplated canceling the massage membership, I got to thinking about some very memorable massage experiences I’ve had over the past couple of years. Some of them were at my regular spa, and some were other places. After one of my more recent experiences, I left feeling like I’d been taken on a roller coaster ride…I was so nauseous when I left the spa! This led me to recall a few other memorable massage experiences…

A few years ago, I had my first (and probably last) Thai massage. For those of you not familiar with the Thai massage technique, the massage therapist stands on your back and uses her feet to massage you. Yes. You read that correctly. But I’ll type it again…she stands on your back and uses her feet to massage you. I’ve been told that there are other versions of a Thai massage that aren’t this extensive, but this is the version that I received. Before we began, the massage therapist asked me if I’d like light pressure. Insulted that this teeny tiny woman thought I could only handle light pressure, I said, “No. FIRM pressure!” I wanted my money’s worth. And firm pressure is exactly what I got. This woman proceeded to kick my butt (figuratively and literally) for the next hour. When the hour was up, I felt like I’d been Kung Fu fighting…and lost.

One time after receiving a deep tissue massage, the massage therapist said to me, “I’m not sure what they’ve been doing to you at work, but you need to tell them to stop cuz your body was jacked up! You just made me work really hard.” This is an exact quote! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry…but later decided to laugh to keep from crying.

Another time I had a massage therapist tell me that she wanted to do a “skin assessment” before she began the massage. Even though I thought it was unusual, I agreed. So she turned on the lights(!) and began examining the skin on my back. Then she proceeded to tell me that I had back acne or “backne” as some people like to call it. So I know I can’t really see my back as well as other people may be able to see it, but let me tell you what I DON’T have and have NEVER had…BACKNE!! I went home that night and practically LAID (or LAY(?) since the green squiggly line just popped up under laid) on the mirror trying to find the spots this woman was talking about and found nothing. During this same massage, the woman told me that my hips were out of alignment and if I kept coming to her, she could help me get them re-aligned. So lady are you a massage therapist or a chiropractor? Or a personal trainer? Or a dermatologist?

Last year while traveling with some friends, we decided last minute to get massages at a massage school close to our hotel. I told the student that I’d like a nice, relaxing Swedish massage. But she insisted that a "Trager" style massage would be better. So I conceded, recognizing that she probably needed the practice in something other than Swedish. Besides, I’d never heard of “Trager” and was somewhat curious based on the way she described it. Anyway, as the massage proceeded, I felt like she was making me fight myself. Literally. She was making my right leg kick my other leg. She would also pick my arm up and then just drop it trying to force me to make my body limp! I’ve seen parents of toddlers do this to their child to determine whether or not they were really asleep. But don’t do this to an adult who is clearly awake, woman! I was lying there with my eyes closed trying to be serious and not laugh, all the while wondering if she was laughing at me. This woman also told me that she noticed a difference in my glutes and asked if they felt any different. “Well…um…no...” I replied. She said maybe one buttock bears more weight than the other because “I definitely feel a difference.” Really? Thanks. Because what I needed was to have one more body thing to worry about. Yeah. Thanks, lady.

A few months ago, I had my first four-handed massage. It was a surprise since I didn’t pay for any extra hands and they didn’t tell me in the beginning that there would be extra hands. But anyway, it was weird cuz it was like the second person was trying to help the first person get finished sooner…only I paid for a full hour so whether it was 2 hands or 20, y’all aren’t gonna get finished any sooner! I swear it was the (2nd) most confusing massage I ever got. You remember when you went to the doctor when you were little and your Mama tried to distract you while the doctor gave you a shot? That’s kinda what it felt like; I was being tricked. And there was one point when I felt like they were trying to pull my foot out of its socket. I guess that was supposed to be a part of the thrill? Also, they accidentally dripped some massage oil on my jacket which I called to their attention when I got ready to pay. The chick told me that it was just olive oil and should wash right out. Really? So you just rubbed me down with some Filippo Berio? WORD?!?

Have you ever experienced any of this? Got any other interesting massage stories? Share them with me in the comments section.

P.S. I would like to note that I consider all of these massage sessions (with the exception of the roller coaster ride) to be successful because I survived. And I laughed. ;)

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