I have a mom body. It makes sense, right? Football players have football player bodies, ballet dancers have ballet dancer bodies and moms have mom bodies. We each have own our specialty and in my opinion, creating life kind of trumps catching a ball for a touchdown or twirling in the air with an eating disorder.
So why is the “mom body” held in such disdain? Why is it that 64% of women feel worse about their bodies after they become moms? Why is it that celebrity moms are either applauded or chastised depending on how quickly they look like they never had a baby at all?
Can you imagine an ultimate fighter leaving the ring and saying, “Don’t look at my nose! It’s so swollen!” And having a baby is a lot like being an ultimate fighter except our fight lasts nine months without so much as a water break or a Nike endorsement.
As a mom of three kids, I’m sick of society trash talking my junk. I believe our culture doesn’t celebrate the mom body because very few people actually know all the things it can do, you know, besides the baby making part. After all, in order to love Superman, it helps to know he can fly. That’s why I’ve compiled a list of all the amazing things a mom body can do – an official scorecard of our secret super powers, if you will.
It’s time for the world to stand back and be awed by us for a change.
It’s time to look at the mom body in a whole new way.
1. Mom Boobs. Let’s face it, perky boobs can only do one thing – look perky. But mom boobs can do a variety of things. After years of nursing children, these long thin bad boys have give. They have reach. Mom boobs can be used as an impromptu scarf, a slim jim for unlocking car doors and even as fun, irreverent cat toys. Did you know mom boobs can even improve your sex life? You and your significant other can go at it and you don’t even have to be in the same room. Just roll one of them out of your bra, send it cascading out the door and watch the sparks fly.
2. The Bellybutton. Sure, most people can wink with their eyes, but really, how boring is that? My eyes AND my belly button can wink and since my belly button is always in a half-closed winking position, it’s like I’m constantly flirting with the world. Like right now, I’m winking at you, through my shirt. My belly button has turned into one subtle, sexy protruding piece of flesh and I’m happy to add it to my alluring female bag of tricks.
3. The Pooch. Talk about perky! Big and round like Pooh Bear, the mom tummy puffs proudly out of any pair of jeans saying to the world, “Never forget I’ve had a baby!” The mom pooch is a great place to rest your hands. It’s a great place to eat from. I recently planted an herb garden on my mom pooch. Just don’t make the mistake of trying to tame your tummy underneath a pair of Spanx. The mom pooch is a most vengeful body part and will seek justice by way of exploding out of the top or bottom of whatever restraining device you’re trying to suppress it with. Which is fine by me. I say, the bigger the better. No gut, no glory!
4. The Vagina. Remember when you were a kid and you’d laugh so hard you’d pee in your pants? Well, the mom vagina helps you recreate this magical experience on a daily basis. And not just with laughing. A small sneeze, a startle or a delayed trip to the bathroom and suddenly you’re relieving yourself whenever and wherever you want. And talk about size! Your super-sized snatch provides you with no more pain at the gynecologist, no more fear of extra large tampons and no more wondering where to keep extra Christmas decorations. Thanks, big vagina! I haven’t had to buy storage containers for years.
5. Cartoon-like Feet. Most moms have feet Fred Flintstone would kill for. Feet can grow a lot in pregnancy and mine are now approximately the size of two loaves of sourdough bread. I love padding around on my two puffy, calloused clouds and love even more that my children can use them as floaties at the beach. I hardly ever tip over anymore and shoe shopping is a breeze -- there's usually only one style!
6. Awesome Rounded Shoulders. Sitting up straight is horrible, everyone knows it. Just try it now – sit up straight for like twenty seconds – you’re in terrible pain, aren’t you? Now hunch. Your world just got a whole lot better. Well, moms have know this secret for years. We carry babies around so much that our shoulders are permanently rounded. Rounded shoulders make it so much easier to get through doors and can eventually lead to a hump – and everyone knows humps are good luck.
7. A really weird butthole. My friend confessed the other day that she could no longer wear thong underwear because she has permanent hemorrhoids after giving birth. Well, great because who wants to wear thong underwear anyway? Thong underwear only looks good on like five people in the universe and for the rest of us, it turns our butts into a display case for cellulite. Now you have a medical reason to avoid these evil contraptions and enter the far more comfortable world of mom underwear – cotton briefs so big they could double as a picnic blanket or an all weather car cover.
8. Gigantic man-ish biceps – Oh sure, the rest of our bodies might be gelatinous heaps of goo, but thanks to holding another human being 12 hours a day for years on end, our arms are pure Incredible Hulk. These massive hunks of man-muscle bulge out of any dainty sweater. And forget a sundress. It's pure drag queen time. But when you need a jar opened or a car pulled off of someone in an accident, look no further than mommy arms...
9. A wide, flat butt. Hey, all you non-moms out there with flat stomachs. We moms have something on our bodies that is flatter and wider than all of your stomachs combined. And that’s our butts. And we didn’t have to go to the gym three times a week to get them. In fact, we didn’t have to do anything at all. The large, flat butt also serves as your back pocket's best friend. Last year, I put my entire tax return in my back pocket and didn’t even bend the edges.
10. The Baby. By far the most impressive feature of the mom body, your baby is proof that your body can form a brain, spinal column, every major organ, eyes, hands and feet all while you’re sitting on the couch mindlessly watching "The Mindy Project". What superhero can do that? So the next time you hear a derisive comment about the mom body or you look in the mirror and wonder what happened to your former self, stand tall, be proud and know that this awesome and very changed thing you get to walk around in all day creates miracles.
Happy Mother’s Day.
You're all beautiful.
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