Taking my Foot Off the Brake

4 years ago

our children 

The Joy of Mothering

Grace changes me, usually in spite of myself.

Although I said yes to God when I was 16 and heroically tried to surrender all of myself to Him, it was impossible because I was not free or healed enough to let go of my masks and fears. So I earnestly performed all the right spiritual exercises and disciplines.  My  spiritual practices were counter productive because I was proudly doing everything under my power.

I call it The Tea and Me Trap. The tea was the caffeine fuel I needed to keep me running somewhat efficiently. I was a dedicated Christian who had a relationship to Jesus and was filled with His Spirit but still not allowing His Spirit free reign in my daily routine.

The irony is that I long for freedom but cling to my wounds and refuse to be loved out of fear. Only when my present course is insane or killing me, only then do I let go of control. Change happens when I surrender  pride and admit to being, doing, thinking or feeling something that is counter productive. Then I let go and allow an unexpected experience of God to turn me around.
Change has always seemed impossible if I think too much about it. Although growth is organic and  automatic once I say yes and take my foot off the brake.
Ironically, when all the major decisions in my life, all the 180 degree changes sprang up, I immediately knew I had to say yes.
  • encountering God out of the blue and accepting Him,
  • becoming Catholic
  • marrying...we had seen each other in person 11 days before we were engaged.
  • moving across the country,
  • deciding to have a large family,
  • moving to a farm, to raise healthy food and keep our kids of the street.
I made all these major life changes  in the snap of a finger because I knew, deep down in my core that these were the right decisions for me and later us as a family. 
That is called listening to God and obeying. Now  I need to let this process happen every moment of every day.

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