I was diagnosed with depression not too long ago. I knew I was depressed since I can remember but I always thought it wasn't serious since it was not everyday. However, the last year was very tough. I was having what I call a "rough morning" two to three times a week. By rough morning I mean it is really hard to get out of bed, and not because I am tired or sleepy but because I simply cannot find a reason to though there may be plenty: class, work, house hold chores, you name it. I constantly feel like I have to push to get through things, it takes a certain level of effort to make it through a normal day. I can push most of the time. Some days I just cannot.
Today is one of those days I had so many plans since I have not had a planned day off in a while. I wanted to do my laundry and go to the pool in the afternoon so I can meet my friend at night to have hummus. None of that happened. I probably will meet my friend later but that's the ONE thing accomplished in an entire day. And probably this blog post. I did have an interesting skype conversation with an activist, but that's for another post.
On days like this I am inexplicably sad. I woke up at 8am to make lunch and breakfast for my girlfriend who is staying with me since she has no air conditioning and there is a heat wave in New York. Then I watched half a movie and just sat on the couch thinking about sad things, like how I don't have a family, and how I have to wait so long to have one because I want to be a doctor, or how I want to move out of NY because I don't have a community, or how school is coming back and I have to figure out how to be financially stable by then, etc. All sad thoughts just growing in my head in a couple of hours.
I sit at the computer and read blogs. I watch youtube videos. I googled zoloft.
I told my therapist I am having a hard time sleeping and she send me to the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist suggested melatonin and that I consider zoloft. She gave me some info and I am thinking about it. But my girlfriend's opinion is very important to me and she is afraid I will develop dependency. That is also my biggest fears, never to come off of it. A friend of mine tried coming off on her own and ended up in the hospital for a week. I don't want to take a pill every day for the rest of my life so I ca be OKAY. I wish I could just be OKAY RIGHT NOW!
I have always felt like depression has something to tell me, like if I cannot get depressed then I will be happy about whatever situation I am in and there would be no change. I thought depression was there to help me fight. Right now, I am too tired of fighting. I just want to get by. I just want to be able to wake up when my alarm sounds and not need to be accountable in order to get up. I want to be independent and I feel crippled, like this depression does not allow me to be myself. I feel like I am a bad partner to my girlfriend, she's always down to go out and do stuff and I just want to sleep or eat. But if I take pills then, is that the easy way out? Am I being reinserted into the matrix like Cypher?
Taking pills is not what I want to do but I do want a break. I think that if I used less resources trying to push myself to do things then maybe I would be better at actually DOING things, like work or school.
Should I take them meds?
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