Stop. I Want To Get Off

5 years ago

It has been a week now since I started taking my new medication after my appointment with the mystery new doctor. In fact, it has been a rather boring week as weeks go. No dramas. But that is HUGE news for me.

Three things of note have happened over the last seven days:

1. The horrible side effects that I experienced in the first few days have all but gone. At first my head was spinning, my mind was spinning, the room was spinning. I somehow felt my way through those days, feeling disorientated and nauseous. I actually felt positive in the face of it. Ok so I didn’t know which way was left and which was right all day because everything was simply around (and around and around) but the fact that such an awful side effect was an improvement on the ones I had been experiencing for over seven months was a Big Deal. At last the crazy bus seemed to slow to a halt.

Perhaps this is my stop.

I have had seven good days as I write this. Seven days. 168 hours spent not wallowing in the pit of my own wretchedness. This is HUGE.

But right now I am too scared to write about it. I’m scared I might jinx it. So for now, that is all I’m going to say about that…Seven days. Seven days!

2. Did you know that the only thing you have to do in order to be a mummy is just BE? It’s as simple as that. See yourself reflected back in the eyes of your child, that’s all there is to it.

3. I can cry. No, really, this is good. This is almost as good as point 1. Why? Because this means that I can feel. Properly feel. All the emotions that I have been numbed to for months and months are finally able to grip me and shake me until I succumb. And it’samazing.

I never thought I would be so happy to cry. When Boo took her first steps with her walker I could feel emotion rising up in my throat. But then it got stuck, it was trapped half way between my lungs and my mouth; I could feel it. Yesterday I watched the video back and I cried. Happy, proud tears swelled up in my eyes and poured down my face. And then I cried some more. I cried for Boo, for the husband, for me. I cried tears of regret, of sadness, of loss.

But mostly they were tears of relief. Pure relief.

Boo and Me x




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