Stitch v/s The Crimson Tide

3 years ago

Warning: the following post is funny but it also contains TMI; read at your own risk.

Ever since I hit my forties and encountered the funtimes that is perimenopause, my periods have been trying to kill me via exsanguination. I was always a gal who could bleed her some blood, but now it’s like the movie Carrie in my pants. It’s like Dexter lives in my uterus. It’s a nightmare, people.

my period

Moreover, I used to be the Swiss watch of periods; I was always on time. Nowadays, my period can strike anywhere between 21-34 days after the last menstrual cycle. That means I can be minding my own business, harming no one, and the next thing I know is this:

blood river

Unsurprisingly, I feel the need to lay down a lot on the days Aunt Irma comes to visit. Yesterday, I “fell to the communists” and that afternoon, after picking up my children from their schools, I went to rest on my bed in a fetal position. Sweet Babou came in to snuggle me and to put counter-pressure on the base of my spine, which helps with the pain. I didn’t have period pains until after I had enjoyed back labor with my girls. Now, every month requires me to do Lamaze breathing. It’s usually the reverse situation of back pain during menses which indicates back pain in childbirth, but y’all know how I like to be special.

Stitch soon wandered back to the master bedroom to see what was up. What if we were having fun without her? She was curious as to why Daddy was squishing my back. I explained I was in pain from my bleedy lady time and Daddy pushing on my back helped. Stitch got a very sympathetic look on her face, and started to climb into the bed to hug me and comfort me in my time of tribulation. Then, she froze.

“Wait. You can’t catch a period can you?” She demanded.

I assured her that you could not catch it, and didn’t bother to tell her she was doomed anyway. She crawled over to me and hugged her arms around my neck and kissed my forehead.

Now, Lilo showed up. God forbid Sweet Babou and I be in our bedroom without invading offspring. Lilo asked “Are we having family cuddles?” since a big pile of snoodling Fokkers is called Family Cuddles amongst us.

Stitch shook her head sorrowfully. “No,” she sighed, “I’m just holding Mommy while Daddy gives her a period massage.”

Laughter really is the best medicine.

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