A State of Inertia

5 years ago

I blinked.  The room was dark despite the opened curtains.  I must have slept far longer than I thought.

I reveled in those fleeting minutes of peacefulness.  My mind was in that blissful state, where awareness had not yet caught up with the numbness that lingered after a deep slumber.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.  In that stillness I could hear...
My heart beating... thump, thump, thump...
The clock's second hand making its endless round... tick, tick, tick...
The air rustling my pillow sheet as I breathed in and out... in, out...
The muffled sounds coming from the television downstairs... news, I think...

I opened my eyes, my mind growing more alert with each passing second.  Back to reality, to grappling with the loss of my other half.  Whose voice and presence around the house I missed the most, yet nowhere to be found.

My daughter's laughter from somewhere in the house.  Just as faint and muted as the others, but one that was more audible to my ears than all the rest.  A music to my ears.  A reminder that some things in life were worth living for.

And then there were others that were not and would be better left behind.

I knew this was only the beginning.  I have not even begun to grieve, let alone heal.  My days of mourning the death of my marriage were far from over.  But for that few seconds, when stupor still reigned over consciousness,  I let myself float...  To stop fighting the inevitable.  To simply live in the moment. 

To just be.

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