Sometimes , Do we Forgive too Easily?

4 years ago
This article was written by a member of the SheKnows Community. It has not been edited, vetted or reviewed by our editorial staff, and any opinions expressed herein are the writer’s own.

I forgive easily.In fact, those who know me, have come to accept that whatever has been a wrong will soon be a right and all will be forgiven.

I grew to appreciate this trait I had. This ability to process, vent, maybe even yell, and let it go. I have been a witness to myself forgive the nastiest of people or address the nastiest of people, only to release it and let it go. But, lately I have been pissed. I have been holding onto some pain and hurt and I have allowed it to fester into a pool of mugstank soup.

I realized it through the pain first, then I noticed my anger, my aloofness or lack of concern, and then I was a witness to my indifference. That's it, indifference. It is the tell tale sign of horror lurking ever so quietly behind the scenes. Indifference, it seems innocuous enough, but it's the  lack of emotion  in itself, that is it's own disconnect and eruption. The lack of care, the feeling of a shrug, a note of annoyance only deemed by an indifference.

The problem with indifference is this: it festers. It lies there as a seemingly innocent acknowledgemnet , an awareness that you can easily discard as a distraction, until the unthinkable happens...it becomes a trigger.

See, indifference is how we all live when we really don't want to change or address something.It is how we feel when we are tired of trying the same ways, saying the same words, feeling the same emotions, that we become ..indifferent. We actually give up.We give up trying.We give up caring.,We even give up fighting, and that is where we begin to see how and where we gave up. Did we give up too easily, too soon, too completely?

Because people expect me to forgive so easily, I have wondered if in fact , my kind nature has been taken advantage of. So, as I processed through my anger, I found ways to communicate my unhappiness, and try to come to a compromise in relating. 

Was it a pleasant feeling?Was it a horrible feeling? Did I feel justified? Was I right? Did it make sense? Was it pride? Was it ego? Was it immature? Was it unevolved?

Yes. It was human. It was raw, and it was real, and I was able to evolve beyond it.

Although we're taught that holding onto anger is not how we are to behave or evolve in God's love, it is in fact a part of life.  In  all of our theological teachings, we are taught to turn the other cheek. We are encouraged to love and forgive, not hold onto anger .

Holding onto anger creates health issues, psychological and emotional breaks; even paranoia creeps in when anger is predominate. But, do we really heal anger when we forgive quickly? Have we actually processed the hurt, the wrong , the anger enough and effectively to forgive completely and honestly? Or are we doing, what many have termed, 'spiritual bypassing'? The act of being a good spiritual person therefore not reacting or becoming angry to anything because , well, you are oh so very spiritual, don't you know??So, you actually sidestep the lesson at hand, the growth, the emotional evolution to be a pollyanna spiritualist~ my term. The pain, the hurt, the wrong, the act, the emotion, was just so painful, that instead of looking at the truth of the act or emotion, you choose to avoid and ignore it. You choose to sweep it under the rug, diminish it's affect or it's pain and push it way down deep and pretend it is gone and never to return...

Dadumadadumdaum...like a shark in the waters, it lies just below the surface, lurking, and waiting for its perfect opportunity to make its break. It does and the pain is as raw as the first time. You didn't heal this, you didn't truly forgive, you are raw in the emotion of being hurt. It's okay not to forgive some things easily. Some things are easy to move on with and let go~ other things are not so easy to forgive and maybe we should proces those things a little more.Or maybe we should open up communication some more with someone who slighted us;  whatever we need to do to heal the pain, I encourage your effort to work through it. It's okay that the forgiveness may take a little longer, because when it is all worked through, it truly will be healed, not not just patched.

Get real. Life creates all kinds of experiences to feel our way through.How we process those emotions, marks the mature soul. The piece of forgiveness that we get hung up on is that the nice person forgives. So if the nice person forgives, then the mean person doesn't forgive. What if we could look at it another way? Let's look at it this way, forgiveness is an act of grace.It is a gesture of trust offered to another who slighted them, were called out, and addressed that it won't be repeated, and then forgiven by the wronged party. Yes, that is the perfect way of being able to process a wrong done by one to another. Forgivess offers the opportunity to trust again. It says," hey, I know you screwed with me, but I see now how you acted from fear and it's ok, I trust you, forgive you and let's move on from this," , can't you just see the ranchers shaking hands over their fence they just mended?

Life is about change, compromise, love and forgiveness, when we honor ourselves enough to work through the wrong before we forgive, we effectively heal, not just pacify the heart. We affectively heal our emotions , recognizing a new perspective to take root and grow out of, from effectively processing emotional pain.

When our hearts have been tangeled and we have nowhere to go but up, we give credit to knowing how we feel; honoring how we feel; and trusting ourselves enough to find our voice and stand up for our needs. In honoring self, we teach others how to honor us as well.

 

 

 

 

Lisa M. Zimmer-Mahoney

"Everyone has intuition~ it is simply a matter of trusting your inner voice.Trust self first." ~ as in O magazine

www.lisamzimmer.com

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