6 Times Wearable Tech for the Ladies Went Hilariously Wrong

4 years ago

Wearable tech is so hot right now it makes sense that I’m seeing so much of it in Kickstarter and the like these days.

But I have to say, I’m a little freaked out by how many products get women and sex (and violence) just 100% wrong, wrong, wrong. Some of these ideas are just silly; some were surely designed by dudes; some could use a little sex ed; and others might even be dangerous.

Let's discuss. Read on for the latest in wearable lady tech concepts!


First Sign Hair Clip

Have you ever been walking down the street followed by a strange man and wished your hair accessories could call the police? Well, you're in luck!

There's an Indiegogo campaign going on right now for the First Sign hair clip. I'll attempt to unpack the SCIENCE: Say you're walking down the street with your fashionable hairclip attached just above your scrunchy. An attacker appears out of nowhere and hits you hard enough to take you down. The accelerator and gyroscope detect this is not merely you doing jumping jacks and is an actual impact. The clip issues a verbal warning. If you don't deactivate the alarm within 15 seconds, the hair clip goes CSI with the help of Bluetooth and your smartphone, taking photographs, recording sound and transmitting all of it to the First Sign team of monitors. If the monitors agree it's an attack, they contact your emergency numbers and the authorities.

All of this AND a plastic sunflower. I don't want to be attacked, either, but the sheer logistics of this hairclip make my head hurt.


Tweeting Bra

It's so hard to remember to do a breast self-exam. I mean, I know you're supposed to do them in the shower or whatever, but man, if only ... if only someone's bra would tweet to remind me every time she took it off! BRILLIANT!

I'm trying to think of the word for this. Oh, yes. WRONG.

Moving on.


Vibease Wearable Vibrator

It's just you and your Vibease ... and your favorite erotica. The Vibease app times the reading aloud of erotica with, well, special effects. Just like you're there! And, you can wear it and headphones and experience your own 50 shades anywhere you want.

This is totally brilliant until your nine-year-old accidentally clicks the app while looking for Angry Birds on your iPhone.


Love Bra

Whether or not to unhook a bra is another decision I think best made by a woman, not a wireless device. Enter the Love Bra, the bra that won't come unclasped unless you're in love. Or your body is emitting the right combination of ... something ... that makes the bra *think* you're in love.

Of course, we all know that the chemistry of love changes with time. What happens when the attraction phase turns into the attachment phase? Like anyone needs more pressure during sexytime. Or, perhaps worse -- what if you're sitting in a business meeting and you happen to mentally picture Sawyer from LOST? Does your shirt bust open during the PowerPoint presentation? Who buys this hot mess for herself?


Intimacy Dress

The Intimacy 2.0 dress is made of "smartfoils" that are either opaque or transparent depending on, um, personal encounters. Like increased heartbeat. Because your heartbeat only increases when you're feeling randy? Of course, if you're wearing this dress, I hope you're not on your way to the gym.

Credit Image: Studio Roosegarde on Flickr

This dress looks more painful than sexy to me, although the press site says it's perfect to wear on the red carpet.


Emotional Eating Prevention Bra

You know what I like? When my bra tells my phone to bitch at me for eating the whole sleeve of Thin Mints.

Apparently this emotional eating prevention bra measures your heart rate and transmits it to the EmoTree app (this stuff really writes itself) on your smartphone, which I assume informs you that you're upset right now. And wait: Is that a bag of Funyuns you're holding? MIGHT THAT BE CONNECTED?

Credit Image: Sam Howzit on Flickr

And yes, it was invented by Microsoft. Why do you ask?

Rita Arens is the author of the young adult novel The Obvious Game & the deputy editor of BlogHer.com. Find more at www.ritaarens.com.

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