(The view outside mom's bedroom window here at home)
I am beginning to face the reality that mom may not ever see this beautiful view of Puget Sound again.
This afternoon Phil and I went over to the care center to visit mom. Phil had only seen mom one time since coming home from Austin. When walked down her hall, to her room, I was surprised to not find her sitting in a comfy chair in the hallway, in fact I turned to Phil an told him how surprised I was not to find her there.
We found mom in her bed asleep. I woke her up to let her know we were there and to see what was going on and why was she still in bed at 1:00PM. It took her a minute to recognize me, she didn't recognize Phil, and she couldn't remember her dog's name--Harley. We brought Harley with us to visit her. Mom did know she wasn't dressed and said she didn't feel good and was tired.
I decided to try and get her up into her wheelchair, so we could take a walk with Harley down the hallway. Mom was not capable of getting herself into a sitting position, nor could she lift herself into her wheelchair. I was able to get her into the chair, and then mom did something she has never done before, and it startled Phil and me. Sitting in the wheelchair she reached her right hand over to her left hand and lifted it to rest on the armrest. Mom's left side isn't working. Finding out this is happening is through trial and error, as she can't or won't talk about it.
Looking back at the past few years so much of what has been going on with mom is becoming more and more clear to me. Seeing what was happening and now understanding mom was afraid to talk about it. She was scared of what was happening to her, and for a long time was able to compensate for it, but not anymore. Now I am afraid to talk about what is happening to mom. I'm scared of what is happening to her.
I can't fix it. I can't make it go away and this angers me.
It is so hard to watch this happening. Three weeks ago I believed mom would get better and come home. I wanted her home. Today I saw that mom isn't coming home. This is weighing heavy on my heart. Phil and I had a long heart-to-heart when we left the center. He listened and he didn't try to fix my emotions (this is hard for my rocket scientist). All I can do right now is continue to spend time, every day, with mom. Sitting with her even while she sleeps, to be there when she wake up.
Sitting with mom even while she sleeps . . .