So, I’ve been off the grid for a few weeks now because I was in the homeland watching “Homeland,”
losing power, getting power back, sledding until my back was sore, eating wonderfully delicious home-cooked food that I didn’t have to cook, and then coming back east to do puzzles and take naps with CB.
Because that’s how you role when you’re immensely cool.
But now I’m back and you lucky devils have a fresh new year of reading stories about cringe-worthy moments that make you grateful you’re nowhere in my vicinity. However, before we go down that road I thought it only appropriate to start off 2013 with some resolutions.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those people who aims high and is all like “I’m going to knock it out of the park this year and lose 20 pounds, turn the tv off, and learn a new crafting skill or something.” Uh, no. First of all, I just got a whole new slew of recipes from my mom and CB’s sister and so let’s just cut to the chase that my waistline isn’t going anywhere good.
Let’s also understand that there is far too much going on in the world at the moment and so turning the TV off just isn’t an option. Sure, I suppose I could read about the fiscal cliff that we only knew was coming all year and the much-needed protests going on in India, but for some reason I can’t find anything about Kim Kardashian’s lovechild with Kanye West on the cover of the New York Times, and so FiOS will continue to get all of my money.
But ok. Since I’m not going to diet and crafting gives me anxiety, I decided to set some realistic life goals for 2013. Let’s dive right in:
I resolve to wear less of my food this year.
Ok, so you know how sometimes you’ll drop a little piece of food and it’ll get caught on, like, your sweater or maybe in your bra if you happen to be wearing an ill-fitting top? All perfectly normal, right?
Well, I tend to take food-wearing to another odd level and I think that maybe it’s hit a critical point. You see, over the weekend CB and I were relaxing by reading and taking naps and doing puzzles and watching a billion football games. And during one of those moments I happened to be laying on the couch snacking on chocolate chips.
Remember that waistline conversation? Now we’re on the same page.
Anyway, about 30 minutes later, I got up and went into the bathroom, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
Me: Oh my God!
CB: What the…..is that blood? What the hell is that? Are you ok?
Me: No, I’m fine, I tasted it. It’s chocolate…..
CB: There are so many things wrong with you.
Me: But at least it’s not blood!
CB: How the hell did you get THAT MUCH CHOCOLATE on your neck?
CB: No, seriously, that’s like half of your neck.
Me: I know, right? Wow, it seriously melted all over. I’m lucky I didn’t get it anywhere else!
CB: The fact that you have melted chocolate down to your shoulder should be concerning enough.
Me: You’d think so, right?
But whatever, honest mistake. Though I think now that I’m comfortably in my 30s it’s perhaps time to (a) stop snacking on handfuls of chocolate and (b) maybe not melt my snacks on my body, let them harden, and then not notice as I’m walking around pretending to be a normal person.
Also, should we maybe consider the fact that CB needs to look at me more often? I’m just saying.
I will try not to walk into doors (as much).
When I was in high school, I went to a party where we were all being incredibly awesome and, because of this, we were way too cool to pay attention to things like doors. So after a friend of mine embarrassingly walked right into a sliding glass door, the host put a big ole’ masking tape X there so that nobody else would mistake shiny glass for shiny air.
Until about 10 minutes later when I face planted into the X and everyone laughed and I may have had a headache for two consecutive days.
But I digress. The point here is that when you’re 16 and stupid, you can let it slide. When you’re 35 and still sober enough to find handles, it’s perhaps time to re-evaluate.
On New Year’s Eve I was talking to some friends and had to use the bathroom. Since the regular bathroom was occupied, I went to use the one off of the master bedroom. And in my defense, it was dark-ish in the apartment and I’d had a glass of champagne already AND the doors to the rooms are dark (I think?) and so it was perfectly reasonable that I thought the dark, dark door was OPEN, leading to the dark, dark room.
But it, um, wasn’t.
And so I body slammed it with the force of a professional and, ever-so-gracefully, quickly scanned the room for any witnesses. Luckily for me, there was only one and he is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. So of course he was kind enough to hysterically laugh in my face and say “I definitely just saw you walk right into that door.”
Whatever, it was dark and shiny and nobody had put a masking tape X on it! Totally not my fault.
Ok. So those are my only two resolutions, which kind of makes me feel sad because they seem less like resolutions and more like maybe just things adults should already know how to do. But like I said, I’m a realist who likes to set attainable goals, and so I think wearing less food products on my body and not running into closed doors is a step in the right direction.
So happy new year everyone! What are your resolutions for 2013?