Self Conscious Couple Consciously Uncouples From a Conscious Coupling

4 years ago

Brace yourself.  The worst has happened.  Are you sitting down for this? 

Gwyneth Paltrow and husband, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, have consciously uncoupled.  I think in regular person speak, that means they've separated.

I’ve gotta tell ya – I’ve wondered what took him this long? I mean, right? How to live with this insufferable, beyond all reasonable depths of pretension, GOOP Princess?


What say you, people? Are you as rocked to your very apple core as I am (not) by their recent shocking “conscious uncoupling”? And by the way, you know she came up with that shit.

Wait – what? She instigated this? You mean he wanted to work things out? At all costs? Dude! You must be some kind of saint, because honestly, who could stand it any longer?

In an emotional statement posted on Gwynie GOOP’s website, the uncoupling was laid bare for the serfs fans.

Here ye! Here ye! 

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and co-parent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Gwyneth & Chris

Wait…just give me a moment…I’m all verklempt. Tissue? Where is MY TISSUE?!? No, no, NO! I said, I wanted the tissues made from recycled hemp seedlings, not this – what do you call it? - Kleenex! This cannot dry my tears in a sustainable fashion. Be gone, you rube – you…you…philistine.

Alright, anyway, where were we? Oh, calm down, of course I’m upset for their children, Granny Smith and oh…what was it?…you know…burning bush….tablets, commandments, yada, yada…? Yeah, it’s never a good thing, obviously, when 9 and 7 year old children have their lives shattered by divorce, and let’s face it – it hasn’t been easy for these kids ever since they were named, right? And then their mother almost killed them weaving around public transport on a scooter and well, it just can’t be easy having GOOPY for a mum.

“Apple! Moses! Come down to the draw-ring room and recite your passages from Lao Tzu that Mummy circled in organic fair trade ink for you last night.”

Oy, Apple. Oy, Moses.

So what happened? What went wrong in Paradise? Was Chris’s foreplay more coldplay? Is the conscious uncoupling a reaction to an unconscious coupling? Did he even know what he was doing when they got married? Was he in some sort of haze at the time? ‘Cause it was all Yellow. I think the Clocks were probably ticking from the beginning and it’s finally struck Midnight y’all. Her constant chatter to him about “I’ma Fix You,” was probably for naught, and while Life In Technicolor was a real excellent trip for Chris, I’ll bet he said to himself quite a few times “I’ve been put right In My Place by this woman.”.  I mean, you could tell there was Trouble. We all Talk. And even though he probably felt Lost at times, being married to her had to be a Major Minus, because We Never Change, do we? I wish he’d seen The Warning Sign. And it makes me Shiver, because that’s The Hardest Part, really. The Message was never sent from Her lips to Chris’s ears and the whole relationship went straight to Kingdom Come.  She was probably all “Chris, I’m simply dying over here from boredom.” And “we simply must get out of LA, the dinner conversation is decidedly not stimulating enough for me.” 

What once was Magic has disappeared, seemingly in The Speed Of Sound. The sound of one hand clapping in the cosmos or some shit.

I weep for them both. I truly do. Every Teardrop a Waterfall of anguish and despair. I simply cannot go on.

And so…I shall throw myself down upon my 5,000 thread count fair trade, organic, micro, macro sustainable duvet and cry tears of protest for this most egregious uncoupling. For it simply is not meant to be that these two creatures of the universe must part in such an unmanifested manner.

Reports say that Chris was “desperate” to keep their marriage going and is “devastated”.  I hope you’ll forgive me, British friends, but in Britain, doesn’t “desperate” mean “kinda trying” and “devastated” is “kinda sad”? I don’t know – you guys have elevated exaggeration to the most awesome art form,  and when I say “awesome”, that’s American for really kinda cool.

In any event – and this is totally a massive event. (Again, massive being British for kind of a big deal.) And irony is but a cold plate of tofu in this case, because like so many things in life that Gwynie finds most distasteful, her own marriage was also not sustainable.


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