Safe Sex is Rising (Pun Intended)

5 years ago

I have always been very industrious and it comes in handy with my job. Dealing with sex crimes means I handle some pretty nasty evidence. One of the most common are used condoms. I don’t think twice anymore as I collect these little suckers.

Even if I’m not working a sex crime, I seem to be the queen condom eliminator. Vehicle and house searches uncover a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors. If one of our big burly officers comes in contact with a used willy warmer they freak. I stroll up and dispose of the offending love glove with a latex covered hand and an eye roll. 

During sex crimes training we refer to the slimy contents as spoodge. I never knew this wasn’t a real word until I decided to write this post. If it is, I can’t find the proper spelling so help from my readers would be greatly appreciated. 

Anyway, a problem with spoodge is that we cannot send evidence to the crime lab unless it’s dried. I’ve investigated and searched but I’m unable to find a device which will keep the integrity of my case and dehydrate a gentleman’s jerkin. 

So, like in many other situations I improvise. I thought about adjusting an old wire shoe rack to fit my needs. My idea was to use a pair of pliers to squeeze the looped metal together so it would hold a cock sock. Then I would turn the rack upside down so the French letter doesn't drip dry. Unfortunately this solution is larger than my small drying room has space for.

After dwelling on my dinger dilemma for weeks, I finally came up with the perfect solution. I like to take my freshly pressed dress uniform off the wire hanger after it’s been dry cleaned. Yes, I’m very Mommy Dearest when it comes to wire. After removing my uniform from the offending contraption I threw it in my outside garbage can. I then went into my house and poured a glass of iced tea.

I know you’re wondering what the two have in common but like much of my brilliance, it hits when I least expect. I went back outside and retrieved the hanger. Using pliers and my empty tea glass, I came up with the perfect answer to my problem. I bent the wire to the average size of a penis (Yes girls I know, quite small) and then gave it two lips. Are you following me here? I place the condom over the penile projectile and then turn it upside down with the luscious lips keeping it from falling inside the glass.

I was so proud of myself and I’ve been thinking of a way to market my rubber magic. I decided that in order to get started my creation needed a name. This seemed to be the hardest part of my business plan. I played around with many words; Prophelactic puller, salami sling socket, and rubber wrapper. They just didn’t give my brainchild a proper title.

After much deliberation and hair pulling, I fooled around with spelling and came up with the final titillating term. Ta da, it’s now officially the Suzie Ivy Bloww Dryer©

Now to celebrate, before I becum too rich for friends, everyone is invited to my house for a glass of iced tea.

Update: Thanks to British reader, @Old_Chap, "Splooge" is the proper term and can be found in the slang dictionary. Darn, I wasn't even pronouncing it correctly.

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