Rewind back to July 2, 1995...I was a very troubled 22 year old girl on the brink of absolute destruction. I was abusing drugs and even worse, I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. My life was a complete mess and everyone could see it except for me. I was still reeling from a tumultuous 2 year relationship that ended with me in the emergency room and my ex boyfriend in jail. I really believed that if everyone, especially my mother, would get off my back and accept my lifestyle that things would be okay. However, my mother was unrelenting. Even the professionals were giving up on me, but not her. At the time I hated her. I couldn't understand why she couldn't just let me be.
July 2,1995 my parents called me into our den and gave me a choice, I had to decide if I wanted to continue living under their roof ( which meant no more drugs...ever) or leave. I definitely did not have the means to move out, nor did I have the desire to "change my life". Most of what happened after that conversation is a blur to me... I think things escalated between us. I went upstairs and swallowed any pills I could find...enough to end my life. Here's the thing...in the moment I was definitely aiming to kill myself..."In the moment" I was angry, hurt and spiteful. "In the moment" I did not care. In hindsight I know I didn't want to die...I was in pain and desperately needed help. In the moments after overdosing I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I called a friend and told him what I did. At the same time my mother came into my room to talk to me... Again, much of what happened next is a blur...I can remember my father wiping down my face with a cold wash cloth and I remember being in the ambulance with the EMT's yelling at me to stay awake. I vaguely remember having my stomach pumped and drinking charcoal in the emergency room.
I did not wake up the next morning ready, willing and able to make a fresh start. After all, this wasn't Hollywood, this was my life. However, it was still very significant in being part of the bottom that would eventually lead me to recovery.
I am now a 39 year old married woman and mother of two. I have over 15 years of being completely abstinent from all drugs, including alcohol. I have been recovering from addiction one day at a time by being involved with a 12 step program and fellowship. My life is far from problem free today, However, I consider myself blessed to have my life. Period.
Since summer of 1995 I have seen lots of lives lost to drugs addiction. The friend who took my call on July 2, 1995 died from a drug overdose in 1997... he was one of many others...My ex boyfriend is no longer alive either after ending his life in 2010.
Although it has been 17 years since my own suicide attempt, I will reflect about it on July 2nd as I do every year... with both sadness for that time period and gratitude for my life since then.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to write this blog post because of fear and shame, but I decided to because it is the truth. It is MY truth...And who knows? Maybe it could even help someone who is struggling.
Moments, all moments pass. No matter how unbearable our feelings are at any given moment... THEY WILL PASS! Suicide is permanent...It is not a solution!
At 22 years old, in a moment of impulsive madness, I could not see the 39 year old mother, wife, daughter and sister who I have grown into. I couldn't see how brilliant life is with ALL of its pain and joy.
Today I am grateful to be here,at home instead of the in the emergency room. I am looking forward to spending July 4th surrounded by family and friends... And at some point I will remember that on July 4th, 1995 I watched fireworks from the 14th floor of the hospital...And I will take that moment to think of my friends who have passed and to thank God for my life today.
I especially want to thank my mother for never giving up on me ... I couldn't have done it without you and I love you...
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