Like many people out there I had always thought that healthy relationships were birthed by having relationships. I thought (key word here "thought") that being bad in romantic relationships and a bit of a commitment phob was because I had not dated frequently. My coping mechanism had been that I had a very short attention span and with this type of thinking, it kept my ego quite comfortable.
Today, I have learned something completely different. This year is a digging and weed clearing year so let me preface my posts with that being said. I see now that my inability to be honest with myself and carry healthy relationships were only a symptom. The main issue with relationships should not have been focused on something so disconnected to me ( romantic dating) but I should have (and now am) reflecting on all relationships. The small relationships show how and where you are for caring for you.
The small relationships are the encounters at the grocery store when they ask you for paper or plastic (or at least use to) and sometimes you felt pressured to make a decision based on someone elses' preference. The small encounters where you've entered a restaraunt and knew instantly that the quality and atmosphere fell short of expectations but decided to stay and tip because the hostess was pleasant. Selecting places of employment in bits of desperation, in dysfunctional enviroments because you felt that was all you were worth and all that would be available to you. Eating food that has been offered to you by those who disregard your personal choices for the sake of appeasing them because sacrificing what you want is easier than saying "No, Thankyou".
I'm reading this now and I can honestly say that these small encounters, small relationships have become a garden of weeds in every aspect of my life. But, in order to pull the weeds out you have to know what and where they are. Eventually I would like to have a healthy romantic relationship but in order for that to happen the weeds must go. For my sake.
Weeds affect your self worth, it affects how you see yourself and what you allow into sacred areas of yourself. My goals have been set aside, post poned, jeopordized and broken because of weeds. I can not even keep a commitment, a secret and sacred promise to myself.
If I can't keep a promise to myself, how could I keep a promise to anyone else? I can't.
This is the room to grow. This is the naked standing in the mirror, naked in body and in the layers of the heart saying to ones' self "I don't like what I see, but this can change and I'm willing to fall in love with the process of changing".
Part of this change is learning to say, through practice....."No, Thankyou"
No Thank you, no thank you, no, Thank you.
HaStA La ViCtOrIa SiEmPrE!
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