Peeing Like a Man on the Run: Taboo How-To and Tee-Tee Tutorial

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It's super easy to pee standing up, even if you don't have man parts. If I can do it, anyone can. I am happy to share my technique.  I've learned from research on the internet.  Yes, "she-wee'ing" is a popular activity all over the world.  According to Sarah Miles, in her book Serves Me Right, female pissing contests take place in Spain. These are manly "distance" contests [1].  Havelock Ellis, who wrote Psychology of Sex, has seen female pissing contests in Belgium as well.  The Belgium contests are trickier because it requires ladies to accurately aim into a bottle, placed in the center of a crowd of other women [2].  I'm thinking this would make for a fun party game and add a bit of flair to the peeing in downtown streets that has become so popular during Mardi Gras season.

I've also learned from the masters in manlike peeing during ultra-races.  In fact, I've spent more time studying other women ultra-runners’ peeing techniques than I spent studying for my first pregnancy test, God help me. It's true whether one is comfortable talking about it or not, everyone who has ever ventured out for a long run of 10 or more miles must eventually urinate.  It’s going to happen…unless you are severely dehydrated, which I do not recommend and I can tell you that from experience.  I once ran a marathon with only 8 oz. of water and a packet of GenR8 Vitargo S2 because of triathlete testimonials about the superior hydration and fueling power of the product.  I went 4 hours without urinating, cramped up and fell in the arms of a traffic cop at mile 19.  I wouldn't recommend limiting your hydration to the point of being urine-free or, for that matter, trusting a good sales pitch.  I also wouldn't buy dehydrated baby chicks from China.

For guys, the pee-on-the-run issue doesn’t event register as an issue. Boys are taught to pee on trees from a very young age. In fact, both my sons went through a two-year old stage in which they would ONLY pee outside. My youngest is still in that stage and it is disturbing the neighbors so much that we need a privacy fence. But I understand that for us girls who are less equipped to whip it out and scribble-dribble the alphabet in the dirt, peeing outside can be traumatic or seemingly impossible.

Non-running/hiking gals stare in shock when they hear about women like me who pee in the vertical position.  However, this technique is not only possible, but it’s also a mandatory talent to acquire for long runs or hiking where there is no porta-potty in sight.

I'll never forget the first time I saw a woman pro ultra-runner pull off on the side of the trail and let go on a tree.  Immediately impressed, I covered a few more miles and tried it myself. 

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Trying to perfect my stance while playing the Shots! By LMFAO feat. Lil Jon drum cadence on my backside (not pictured).

I found that while standing, you don’t have to bare your butt (assuming you’re wearing a running skirt or skort with stretch undies or compression shorts under), and the position is ideal when your quads are too shot to squat.  Plus, it’s faster, can keep a tick from crawling into unwelcome territory, AND keeps your nether regions far away from poison ivy, fuzzy botanicals, rabies-infested animals or snakes. These are all positives in my book.

And yes, I'm working on an e-book about peeing on the run.  Disclaimer: I don't have an editor, so if you’re going to lose your ever loving mind over grammar, spelling and my overuse of the phrase, “poo-slinging monkey,” you should hang onto your iTunes credit and cancel the download. 

I do admit the art of peeing like a man, or 'she-wee'ing' takes a few practice tries unless you have a tilted uterus.  You can hit the shower first to give it a go, but put yourself to the real road or trail test as soon as you can. Try it on a short run near home.  The first few tries, you might have to finish your run with wet feet, which aren’t happy running companions.  And if you really have a bad pee pee spill all over the crotch of your panties, and I mean a REALLY bad spill, you need to remove them as soon as womanly possible and set those things on fire. That’s the only way to be sure there are no residual pee-pee germs on the thing.  Icky.  Yucky.  Just nasty.  Nevertheless, by the next few tries you will find your bearings and become a show off in your outstanding-while-standing urinary talents to the bewilderment of eye-rolling friends and family members.

So here’s how to 'she-wee' while standing:

  • Check your gut and make sure number 1 is the only number you'll need to do because an accidental number 2 does not generate a relaxing sigh in the standing position.

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I knew I should've chose that cereal for the toy and not the fiber.

  • Pick a secluded spot out of view from other runners and race photographers.  This pee locale should also be out of flow range of your handheld water bottle and anything else you throw on the ground.
  • Also make certain you aren’t over a rocky or stumbly hill area (you don’t want an afternoon of accidental golden showers over hands and lower extremities).
  • You need to have on loose shorts or a running skirt or skort with stretchy workout undies underneath.  Pull one leg (and the anti-microbial/sweat-wicking crotch of the panties) up and to the side for maximum pee clearance.
  • If left-handed, pull the crotch over to the left side.  And vice-versa if you're right-handed.  Whatever you do, don't cross the crotch with your hand unless you're wearing rain gear arm sleeves.
  • Stand with feet wide, really wide like a manly man who can lift really heavy things and pee a straight line using nothing but hands and testosterone.
  • As far as posture, put your back into it and twerk your butt in a Miley manner (seriously, this move helps the stream go to the front because beside peed-on socks nothing is worse than a "pee-pee butt", according to my potty-mouthed preschooler).
  • Once the position is assumed, let it flow like a Toni Braxton song.  It helps if you have some real force behind the golden stream.  However, even a small drippity-drip is possible without pee-soaked panties and running shoes once you’ve gotten the technique down pat.

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Oh, and when done, give it a little shake like the guys do to eliminate any lingering drip-drops.  Then, adjust the crotch back in place and resume running.  You peed like a man and you're good to go.  Just don't do any other manly things like touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

So next time the need arises to pee on the run, try these tricks of the trade and feel just as magical and completely liberated as I do.  Run like the wind and pee like a male rock star.  Oh, and another bonus of standing to pee during a long race is that it cuts down on wasted time on the route or trail. You'll cover more ground in less time.  Although you can learn a lot by reading the graffiti in an aid station port-a-potty if you choose to squat.

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Sure, 'she-wee'ing' may take a few tries to perfect but once you've become a standing pee expert, you'll be peeing while standing up and talking to other men at a urinal.  Well maybe not, but you might be able to match men in the pee-writing arena out on the trail.  I am still working on the technique myself as I’ve still only managed to write part of my name on a pile of leaves.  It's such a curse having a long name.

References that make me seem well-educated in 'standing peeology':

[1] Miles, S. (1994) Serves me right (pp 53-55). Macmillan, London. ISBN 0-333-60141-6
[2] Ellis, H. (1942) Studies in the psychology of sex (Vol. 6 ed.). New York: Random House.

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