I don't know what is the matter with me. Ever since I saw that picture, I have been a weeping machine. I wept on the way to get a mammogram. I wept while on hold. I wept on the way to work on crafts for the kids in Uganda to make next month. I wept while mixing two types of cat food so the kittens' tummies wouldn't be upset as I transition them to adult food. I wept during worship at church, and during the baptisms. It's ridiculous.
I went into the spare bedroom, determined to keep going through stuff. And wept. I am overwhelmed, seemingly caught between what was and what is becoming. I'm trying to build a new life, but I don't know who I am. I'm waiting - for people to call me back. For the next step. To find out what is going to happen. And it's almost as if I'm afraid to make a decision, for fear it will be the wrong one.
I know that fear is not from God. I know that in the very core of my being, and I don't accept this lie from the evil one. I am pleading with God to help me out of this pit. And weeping.
And really, so what if I paint something the wrong color? I can always paint it again. Does it matter if I donate something and later decide that it was a mistake? God will honor my heart, and I will not be the loser. And I either trust God to look after me or I don't.
I think as I am able to take some action it will get better. I hate waiting; I always have. And I seem to be waiting again - for clients, for family members, for promised refunds. But that's all about me, and what I can or can't do. What I need to be doing is trusting the Lord. He has yet to fail me; I don't think He's going to start now.
This finding a new self, or the self that was always there but overshadowed by the vibrant personality of my husband, is hard. I liked being in the background. It was safe, and not demanding. I don't want to be a beige person in a beige house with a beige outlook. I've already seen the black; now it's time to bring in some colors. Do I start with pastels, or go right to the jewel tones?
Enough with the color analogy. I'm trying to find out who I am, not decorate a room (well, actually I have several rooms to decorate, but that's a whole other subject). It's a lot of work, and right now it is overwhelming. So I will reach for help, and give it to the One who bears all my burdens, and LEAVE it there!
And I will get someone to help me look at things with an unbiased outlook, and help me to let go of things. Because let's get this straight, here - they are only things, and keeping them will not bring my husband back, or the possibilities we had, and the plans we made. Neither will letting them go. Because they are just things.
I will keep the memories, and some pictures, and those cherished items that were ours together. I won't hoard things to try and hold on to the man who chose them. And I won't give everything away, either, because I am not going to wipe out his existence as if he never was.
This is a hard season for me right now, but I am not alone in it, and I will get through it. I have His word on it.
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