Overachieving mommies: Stop ruining Valentine's Day for the rest of us

4 years ago

Overachieving mommies, I beg you: Hands offa Valentine's Day.

Checking Facebook tonight before bed I saw a disturbing number of posts from people who were still up near midnight. Why? Because they were making homemade Valentine's Day cards for their kids' classes. I even read a few posts that mentioned presents for classmates that needed to be wrapped in actual wrapping paper.

Ladies, do you realize what you're doing with all that wrapping paper? You're taking an easy holiday and making it a pain in my ass.

This is the one farking holiday that slacker moms like me can handle with ten bucks and a trip to one store. Sending your child to school with your homemade handiwork means that it's only a matter of time before my daughter starts guilting me into spending every fucking February 13th in the living room with a hot glue gun while I mutter a stream of profanity so intense that it would certainly burn a hole in the rug.

And I'm a renter, people. I'd have to pay for that shit.

Whaddaya say we all agree to take this one holiday and phone it the hell in? We're all busy enough, aren't we? The last thing I need to do is spend hours combing Pinterest for cute Valentine's Day cards that will certainly require supplies that I cannot find floating around my junk drawer. Then, when I finally gather said supplies, I'll get to sit down and make 30 of something. Thirty. Even if each card takes one minute to assemble (and who are we kidding here?) that's thirty minutes that I could've been trolling the Internet for gossip on Downton Abbey or sleeping on the couch with my mouth open while The Dead Files plays in the background.

So do me a favor: Back it up, sisters. Quit raising the g-d bar on every holiday and ruining it for the rest of the of us.

Now put down whatever it is you're gluing to paper doilies and go to bed. I don't want to have to talk you about this kind of thing again.

Trish Sammer Johnston



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