An Open Letter Of Deepest Responsibility and Apology

3 years ago
An Open Letter Of Deepest Responsibility and Apology
I won't name names, as to who this is for,  I feel that those people will know who this is for and they will read it. This open letter of deepest apology, goes out to so many people, I don't know if I can even begin to name names, I can only share what is on my heart today. I know that this is going to possibly a can of worms, or a door that I may not want to have opened. I need to do this so that I am no longer carrying this around with me, I can't handle the weight or pain anymore. I need to release this today so I can move forward in my life. Please if you are one of these people and feel a need to comment, please don't be rude, this is not what this post is for.

To those I have wronged, I am truly and very sorry for who I was, I have no excuses for my former behavior. I was in a very bad place in my life, I took my anger out on the wrong people, I hurt people and did not behave very well, I thank God that I am not living there anymore. I can and will understand if I am not forgiven by certain people, I can accept that now. I can only pray that one day, that one day each person will see me for who I am and let go of the person I once was. I have been able to let go of her, let go of the burden of the guilt and condemnation that I forced myself to carry for too long. trust me I beat myself for so long, that I am starting to heal from it all with God's help. I can only pray that one day, God will bring us together or our paths will cross, so that you can get to know me who for I am now, not who I was.

I will never go backwards to that dark place, to that person I once was, I am heading forward, with my head held high looking towards the light. I can and will admit I have made many mistakes in my life. I am not proud of who I was, what I did and what I said even. I take full responsibility for what I have done wrong, against God and others. I cannot change my past, I can only work on who I am now and look forward to who I am becoming everyday. I have taken time to go to the Cross, admit my sins, I have repented and turned my life back to God. I am not who I was in my childhood, early adulthood or last year even, I am so much different than who I was. I am not where I want to be, all I can say is thank God that I am far from who I used to be and I am definitely well on my way to continued improvement on a daily basis. Thank you Jesus for helping me change.

I needed to write this out today, as tomorrow is the day of my oldest daughter Amber's graduation, it's killing me that I will not be attending her graduation. We haven't seen each other since 2005 or 2006, we don't speak to each other. The last communication we had with each other was 2008, when I sent her a birthday card, it came back with words on it that cut me to the deepest part of my core. I also sent her and her sister, Hannah a Christmas card, both were returned with cruel words on them. I never really gave up on them, I continued to call them and leave messages on their father's voice mail, with no return calls in years. Today, I admitted to my sister, Ginni that I screwed up by leaving them with their father back in 2002. I can't say being with Ron is a mistake or a screw up, it was how I went about leaving them with their father that was the screw up. I will not apologize for following my heart and falling in love with Ron. For those who don't know Ron is my ex-husband's step brother and that is forever held over my head by so many people who were not involved directly, yet seem to think it's okay to hold it over my head. Trust me, I carried that guilt for about 8 years and I was able to let it go, once I got back to church. I was able to talk to my former pastor about it and go to the cross with that big sin and guilt. I do not carry that condemnation with me, or the guilt, even if the world wants to use it against me.

Please understand that up until today, I have carried this huge, heavy weight on my shoulders, that I never allowed anyone to know about, that was killing me. I never let anyone know how much this has been eating away at me, how much it kills me on a daily basis. I wouldn't talk to God about it, I didn't want to admit, that I messed up, that meant letting go of the pride and ego, OUCH that hurts big time. I had so much pride and ego that to admit that I messed up on this was too hard for me. I am at a place, where I can admit it. I left my daughters with their father, in their beds sleeping peacefully. I didn't want them to see us fighting again, I didn't want them involved in this final fight. I didn't want my daughters to go through what I could go through for the next few years, the instability, the strife, the stress and drama of my life. I was in a very bad place, I didn't know myself anymore, I didn't want to live my life anymore. I didn't like myself, that led me to hate God, the world and everyone in it. Everyone in my destructive path that I was creating, I didn't care who got hurt, I was hurting so deeply that I couldn't see past my own selfish pain. I was so very selfish back then and I am ashamed of the woman I was, in the same token I am happy I am not her anymore. I don't feel the need to lash out and hurt others, I have learned to take it to the cross and give it all up to God. Now, I can admit through the sobs of this morning, that while it hurt like hell to admit to God and my two sisters, Ginni and Kim that I screwed, it still felt good to let this out. It was bittersweet healing that my entire being needed today of all days.

I am not lying when I say my entire body fell on the floor, sobbing, hyperventilating and sobbing more, trying to text them both, it turned to talk to text messages in between the sobs. I called Amber's and Hannah's father's house, his girlfriend answered, I was taken aback, no one has answered my calls in 9 years. I asked if Amber was there, I wanted to talk to her so badly and ask her forgiveness. I wanted to tell Amber how proud I am of her for graduating, tell her how much I love her and think of her. Maybe, I would get the chance to talk to Hannah and tell her the same thing. His girlfriend, was not friendly by any means, I asked her to tell them I love them and am proud of them, she said "MMHMM." and hung up. I lost it more, I couldn't stop crying. I let Ginni and Kim know about it, both suggested I write the girls a letter, which I will do. I already tried to do it, my hand was shaking so badly, you couldn't read a word I wrote, I need to do this and really think about what I want to say. I don't want to bash their father, them or his girlfriend as that is not right to do.

Poor Chloe, tried to calm me down by snuggling into me, she didn't understand as she is a puppy, all she knew was that Mommy is crying and on the floor. After text messaging with them, I prayed hard, wrote in my journal and then opened my devotions, God has impeccable timing!! He answers prayers and comforts those of us who are broken and damaged by our own sins and the sins imposed against us. He gave me Psalm 37 and Psalm 46.

Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Psalm 37
1 Do not fret because of those who are evil
    or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
    like green plants they will soon die away.
3 Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
    your vindication like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the Lord
    and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
    when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
    do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,
    but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.
10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
    though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
    and enjoy peace and prosperity.
12 The wicked plot against the righteous
    and gnash their teeth at them;
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
    for he knows their day is coming.
14 The wicked draw the sword
    and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
    to slay those whose ways are upright.
15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
    and their bows will be broken.
16 Better the little that the righteous have
    than the wealth of many wicked;
17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
    but the Lord upholds the righteous.
18 The blameless spend their days under the Lord’s care,
    and their inheritance will endure forever.
19 In times of disaster they will not wither;
    in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
20 But the wicked will perish:
    Though the Lord’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
    they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.
21 The wicked borrow and do not repay,
    but the righteous give generously;
22 those the Lord blesses will inherit the land,
    but those he curses will be destroyed.
23 The Lord makes firm the steps
    of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
    for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
25 I was young and now I am old,
    yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
    or their children begging bread.
26 They are always generous and lend freely;
    their children will be a blessing.
27 Turn from evil and do good;
    then you will dwell in the land forever.
28 For the Lord loves the just
    and will not forsake his faithful ones.
Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed;
    the offspring of the wicked will perish.
29 The righteous will inherit the land
    and dwell in it forever.
30 The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
    and their tongues speak what is just.
31 The law of their God is in their hearts;
    their feet do not slip.
32 The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
    intent on putting them to death;
33 but the Lord will not leave them in the power of the wicked
    or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
34 Hope in the Lord
    and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
    when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.
35 I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
    flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
36 but he soon passed away and was no more;
    though I looked for him, he could not be found.
37 Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
    a future awaits those who seek peace.
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
    there will be no future for the wicked.
39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord;
    he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
40 The Lord helps them and delivers them;
    he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
    because they take refuge in him.
Only now can I take hold of these two Scriptures and hold fast on them, hold fast onto God's Word and His promises. I need to turn my eyes now to Heaven and to God, let this go now and move forward. After my devotions, I opened my book I am reading, Making Good Habits, Breaking Bad Habits by Joyce Meyer to read the next chapter is on making the habit of taking responsibility for our own lives and actions. Thank you Jesus, once again you have impeccable timing. *body falls* *sigh*
My next layer is being torn from me, the ego, pride and now I am taking full responsibility for my own actions and words for my own life. One thing that Joyce said really struck a cord with me, well actually a few things, I am going to share them here and now. I hope you are all ready, because all you could hear out of me was a deep breathe, a deep sigh and then the word "OUCH!!!, then the tears flowed again!!  Trust me this is not fun at all, it's so terribly painful, however in the end I know it's worth the pain, I am changing and for the better. I am releasing these layers of who I was, to be a much, more beautiful person, it's so worth it.

"Being responsible is what makes us honorable people"
"We should never be afraid to admit that we are wrong about something or someone (I added this one), or that we have made a mistake."
"When we make excuses we are lying to ourselves as well as others."
"Taking full responsibility for our actions is possibly one of the most emotionally painful things that we face in life."
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions of those who made excuses for not doing the right thing now but said they intended to do it later."
"People of integrity take responsibility for their actions"
"When a person is committed to being responsible, you can count on them to be dependable."

Joyce shares 5 steps to stop making excuses too:
  1. Face the truth and be honest. State the problem out loud. Say it to God, yourself and someone you trust. James 5:16 16 "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."
  2. Don't have unrealistic expectations. Set realistic goals. Don't make commitments, that is not intended to follow through with. 
  3. Stop complaining. 
  4. Be aggressive. Don't procrastinate.
  5. Find a solution to obstacles. 

"If we make excuses and blame others for our mistakes, we give up our power to change."
"Truth is a powerful weapon, and when faced squarely, it will help you to become the person you say you want to be."

That is my meditation for today, to take full head on responsibility for my own actions and words. To admit it, confess it and now to leave it at the cross, to allow God to change me. I don't want to be who I used to be ever again. 


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