I was going to hold off writing this until suicide prevention month but then two things crossed my mind:
1. If there is anyone else out there going through what I have then I don’t want to wait to talk abut this.
2. If there is anyone reading this who is thinking, “suicide is going to help my loved ones, they will be better without me,” I want to tell you -- YOU ARE WRONG. In fact, it’s been EIGHTEEN YEARS since my father killed himself and I’m still impacted by it. You are not doing a good thing, you are not making your loved one's life easier, you are not helping anyone. In fact, in the end, there is a good chance your loved ones will end up really really pissed off at you. I wouldn’t give up my husband and kids for anything, but there are a lot, A LOT, of moments in my life that sucked, that I can look back and say with certainty would never have happened had I never been involved in a suicide.
There are things I did at school, trust issues I have, things I’ve done to my family, people I’ve let walk on me and stuff that I’ve experimented with that looking back at my life I wish I hadn’t. So please, read this and take a moment to learn what, in my experience, suicide does to your family, to your loved ones, to the life you are leaving behind, and then maybe think again before making the choice you are about to make.
I was twelve when my father killed himself. That is young. That is a very impressionable age. Eighteen years later I can say that I kind of wish I never knew. I wish people lied to me until I was older, old enough to say, “meh, really he killed himself, gee I never knew.” Instead of being that young and doing every single thing wrong beginning the day I found out. When you are twelve you don’t fully understand loss. What you do understand is that people are suddenly really nice to you. As a kid I learned that the boy I had a crush on was nicer to me for an entire week because my dad had died. I learned that the mean girls were nice for a few days, and I learned that people around me were saying, “go easy on her, she just lost her dad.” Not every twelve year old would react like me, but my reaction?
More from living