I was changing my granddaughter Coraline's diaper on the couch the other day. I took off her wet diaper, wrapped it up, and grabbed a clean one from her diaper bag. I started to put it on her, and that's when I noticed somebody peeking out of the top of it. Peeking out of the top of her little diaper. What the fuck?This is the actual diaper.
My daughter Elvira was in the kitchen emptying my pantry into her mouth. I yelled, "Elvira, why is Cookie Monster peeking out of Coraline's diaper?"
"I unno," she mumbled through that last of the Lay's potato chips. "Eeee usss duhh kiiii eeee biiii."
"Are you talking with your mouth full?" I'm the mom. I'm required to give certain lines on cue. Soon I would accuse her of trying to put somebody's eye out. Wait for it. "Did you leave any chips? Because those are for band practice."
"Don't worry. There's still wine," she shouted back. "That's all you guys really need anyway."
I couldn't argue with that.
"If you've swallowed that entire bag of chips, could you please tell me why Cookie Monster is creeping out of Coraline's diaper."
"I don't know. It's just the way they come. Rock Dad's mom bought them." I considered her answer. Free diapers are free diapers, and diapers are expensive. But no. This was clearly wrong.
"And you didn't question the obvious pedophilia factor here?" I grabbed the diaper bag and started digging. "Oh my god! Oh my god! Burt and Ernie too? And some generic purple monkey? What does it say that these characters are peeking out of Coraline's diaper? Who thinks of this shit?"
"Mommers, it's not a big deal. Coraline doesn't know who they are, and she can't see them anyway."
"So they're characters from a children's TV show, but they're peeking out of her diaper for the entertainment of adults? I am not amused by this. Do you know I write about Cookie Monster on my blog? And cookies?" I could hear her opening another package out there. "Stay out of my Dove dark chocolates. That's the last bag I'm ever going to buy, and I have to make them last."
"Uh huh. How many times have you said that? You'll buy more tomorrow. Besides you've still got chocolate chips in the freezer." I heard the sound of foil crinkling as she walked through the dining room. I can't believe I gave that child life, and I won't even start the story of the stitches.
She threw herself down on the couch and tucked the Doves next to her where I couldn't reach them. "Give me a Dove," I said. "I might as well eat some or I won't get any of my own chocolates."
She tossed a handful of chocolates at me. "Jesus Christ, Elvira! Are you trying to put somebody's eye out?" I deflected the chocolates from Coraline's little face, saving her from a lifetime of living with a glass eye.
Elvira didn't apologize. I'm never going to buy another bag of Dove dark chocolates, but when I do, I'm going to hide them better.
"I'm serious about these diapers. They're creepy. They're wrong. They're ..... disturbing is what they are."
"Mommers, I'm serious too. Put her diaper on her before she pees on you." Throughout most of the conversation, Coraline had been sitting on my lap chewing on her Go Dog Go board book.
"She won't pee on me. She never pees on me." I kissed one of her little feet. Oh my god. Don't you just love baby feet? I could eat them up.
"You have a pair of Cookie Monster boxers. I don't think you're in a position to criticize my diaper choices," Elvira said.
"That's just the point! My friend Sunrise bought those for me because I write about cookies and Cookie Monster as a euphemism for you-know-whats. When I wear Cookie Monster on my crotch, he's a happy, hungry coochie munchin' Cookie Monster. When he's peeking out of a diaper, he's a trench-coat-wearing, furry, blue child molester."
"He's not really in there you know. You do know that, don't you? I'm not kidding. She's going to pee on you."
"I can't do it. I just can't get over the fact that he's hiding in there. At least the Cookie Monster on my shorts isn't hiding .... He isn't peeking out like a cookie-munching pervert. You can see his entire face."
I popped a chocolate into my mouth just as I felt something warm and wet cover my lap and spread down the legs of my jeans. I tried not to react.
"She just peed on you, didn't she."
"No, she did not."
"Yes, she did. Your jeans are wet."
"No, they aren't."
"Will you please put her diaper on her now?"
I lay Coraline down on the couch again as the pee started to cool on my jeans. I unfolded the offensive Cookie Monster diaper, slid it under her butt, and folded the tabs over. I tried not to make eye contact with the blue perv who was peeking out from just under her belly button. I shuddered ..... but that might have been because my wet legs were getting cold.
And then I went upstairs to change my jeans. When I came back down in a pair of yoga pants that were far more comfortable anyway, we finished the bag of Doves and didn't talk about the diapers any more.
And yet, I'm happy to report I haven't seen a single Cookie Monster or a Burt or an Ernie or even a generic purple monkey peeking out of Coraline's diaper since. Whether she wanted to or not, Elvira must have agreed with me. I win.
But there are other babies out there with perverted Sesame Street characters peering up out of their diapers. What the fuck is up with some of the shit they make for babies these days? Would you want Cookie Monster peeking out of your underwear? ....... Wait. Nevermind. Don't answer that.
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