No Sex, Just Kick-Ass Chocolate Brownies

5 years ago

I can't be sure some of you won't consider this "grasping at straws," but I can assure you it's not...  it's just today's post is not going to include any bits of my sordid love-life, exes, disillusionment, rock-star sex or mentions of "Bell Jars."(However I just may publish one of the above within the next 12-hours). It's just that last Friday I realized  - POST sugar/chocolate craving  - btw: thanks L.J.):

" I make/made the best f'cking brownies... EVER."

YES, I am going to talk about food, and there will be no mention of casseroles so you don't need to fell it necessary to metaphorically throw tomatoes at me.

eat me
eat me
 

I am not talking "Those Damn Healthy Brownies" like my friend Tani forces me to make for her as she claims: "Refined while sugar is POISON!" But the hard-core, saturated-fat, bleached flour, white sugar, non-organic anything kind that sticks to your insides and has you on your belly salivating, crying out in agony begging for more, and at the gym for an intense 2-hour cardio work out the next day to burn off  those  five-thousand of calorie, and 300 grams of fat.

The last time I made brownies was last Sunday for Tani's party (which Lavinia and I subsequently bailed on). In the morning I had slaved over a hot oven (ok not REALLY), and actually cheated via splitting the difference by only using 1/2 of the partial whole-wheat flour, and the remaining regular white... and 1/2 of her organic brown sugar made by the indegenious South American people with loinclothes, and the rest with my favourite white "poison." She'd never be none the wiser anyway... but despite the small portion of healthy bits... they were DAMN GOOD (and after we tried a small sample, my homegirl thereafter concurred and  scarfed down 3 more for dessert.)

neopolitan baba

I used to live near the pastry shop where these Neopolitan "Baba" were made, I passed it often and quasi-licked the window. My friend Deni can attest we ate mass quantities of Tiramisu from there over the holiday season a few years ago, it was sublime, however the sheer guilt - dibilitating.

Although I love to bake and eat the fruits of my labour, I tend to give most of it away for the simple fact that I can eat baked goods till my insides rot, or I projectile vomit (whichever comes first) and the guilt, shame and regret after the fact is dibilitating, and incidentally it takes every fibre of my being just to resist spooning big tablespoon globs of dough in my mouth prior to baking.  Admittedly, I am a glutton (and sometimes use desserts as a subtitute for the sex I ain't gettin') so with that said ... pass those cakes over here.

After baking last weekend, and a small indulgence on my part (only 2 slices of the finished materpiece) - Not thinking,  this time I placed said treats in wax-paper and hid them away from plain sight in my freezer, thinking that Tani would drop by in a day or so to take most of them off my hands, and because of course you CAN'T eat frozen brownies.

But alas you CAN... and they taste equally as delicious, if not better.

The beauty of this recipe (which I found in an old recipe from the 80's book made by the school where my Dad was a principal, and all the staff donated thier faves) uses no melted chocolate - which is great because I despise the tediousness of melting chocolate over the stove.

So ('drum roll')... I present the recipe entitled:

Super Brownies

(circa 1985 by Diane Colosimo - whoever/wherever she is, cheers!)

6 tbsp. cocoa,

1 cup margarine (I am hard-core, I use butter)

2 cups white sugar

4 eggs

1 cup white flour

1/2 tsp salt

1 cup chopped nuts (ie. walnuts, hazelnuts or pecans) ...

Cream margarine (or butter), add sugar, cocoa, eggs and beat well. Add flour and salt, then nuts. Place in 9 X 13 greased baking pan, Bake at 350 degrees F, 30 to 40 minutes.

(Baking temperature and time is crucial, so watch that these babies don't over-bake and dry out, and I never ice them because they are good enough without - do I need more calories?)

There you have it. Impress your friends, use them to get laid, or eat them after you get laid, or be like me... eat them instead of getting laid (while in a meaningful relationship). ENJOY!

 

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