My Sunday Morning - Not What it Used to Be

4 years ago

Here I sit, on my couch with coffee and a Sunday paper on my lap on a March Sunday morning at about a quarter to 9. Just that simple description still boggles my mind a bit, I must admit. I have been a life-long church goer. It is what. you. do.

But not me...for now. I have not left THE church, just A church. So when I run into a former church-mate I tell them that I am between churches at the moment. I don't know how long the "the moment" will last. I miss church. I miss people. I don't miss the sermon...but I miss the small-talk as we enter and hug a dozen people before finding our seat. In the same section every Sunday. I miss working behind the Info Counter, watching the faces of new-comers as they walked in and sized us up. I loved making them feel welcome and coaxing a smile out of their nervousness. I miss worshipping God with great music and lots of people. I miss going out to lunch with my group of friends every Sunday. The laughter and tears as we shared our lives together. I miss the sweet moment when the small talk turns to big talk. I miss sharing life.

My former church and I are not in a lovers quarrel, we are not mad at one another. No one cheated on anyone. It was time, we were done...kind of a "not you, it's me" dance happened...but not really. I cannot explain it here, there is too much and too little to be said. I feel the need to justify and defend myself..but not here or now. I can say that after a bit of time away, God did whisper to me that I needed to stop going back to my old well. He called it my "old well"...not a term that I would use. You may not believe that God talks to us like that, but my friends back there will believe it and understand it. It won't sound odd or weird to them at all.  :)

So I am "out here" figuring out my relationship with my God in a whole new venue. It is not an anti-church venue, more of a churchless-until-further-notice kind of season. Very different for me/us. Kinda scary...unknown waters...exploring an unmarked map. 

Five days ago I was reading one of my fav bloggers, Jamie, The Very Worst Missionary and she included a song that hit me between the eyes and had me in tears for an hour of listening to it again and again...Oceans - Where Feet May Fail - Hillsong

Then I saw it. I am on a NEW adventure with God. I have been consumed with all that I AM NOT (and do not want to be)  anymore...not a church lady...not a church staffer...not a pastor's wife. Back in the late 90's I broke out of the "church lady" way of thinking. I embraced a new freedom in God that was and is, still delicious. (The basis of this blog name.) But I've been concentrating so hard on what I do not want to be, that I have been unable to move forward into a new thing. 

This song was my "Aha" moment 5 days ago. I am in a time of...



blank space
open borders

and without...

outside expectation
job description
limits or

My God-friendship is a whole new country waiting to be explored and discovered. I am not dependent upon a church denomination or a new book about progressive Christianity. Just me and God...walking together, talking, listening. I will bring along my great history with Him as One Who Loves, and drop off the ideas that have been tacked onto Him by men. I'm not scared that I will somehow accidentally fall out of His hands. His hands are TOO BIG for that.

I am His and He is mine. 

Someday I will walk into a new church and feel at home again. I'll embrace all that is wonderful about being with a gang of people who are crazy about God and one another. I trust that my new well is ahead of me. In the meantime, I'll enjoy the Sunday morning paper and my coffee here in my living room. God...Wherever You would call me, take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"


You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
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