My Stand Off with God

3 years ago

 

I am in the middle of a grand stand off with God. A full on, stand off with God himself. And here is why...

When my (now) husband and I moved in with each other a few years ago, we were not married. We were barely dating. On again off again mess is what we were. But I needed to move closer to the place we both worked/save money, and I think deep down he didn't want to lose me. So I ended up moving in the bedroom next to his, and paid him some rent every month. I was deep in debt, so the cheaper rent helped a lot. Little by little, we grew closer. We moved from an on again off again mess, to dating, to being engaged. In between was a slew of meeting each others families, spending time with each other parents, and getting to know them better, as well as each other. 

Getting to know his father at first was fairly normal (at least in comparison to what the future would bring). Questions about my family, what I did for a living... you know, the drill. He never brought his wife around, which I started to realize was not a coincidence. Apparently, they are what you call "devout" Christians. And we were doing something that the Bible laid out clearly as a sin.

Little by little, I saw a change in my husbands father.  Since we spend Thanksgiving with my family, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I host his Dad, his step parents and my parents for a Thanksgiving feast, where I make all the fixings (with my parents help). It is a way for our families to spend time together and get to know each other. I got so excited about showing off my homemaker/Betty Crocker skills.... I was so giddy.  I recall a couple years ago at this dinner, I offered my husbands father leftovers to take home and he said "No, that his wife would not eat food from my house". I choked back the tears, finished my wine, and faked the happy fiance homemaker routine until the last person left. 

Things started deteriorating quickly. We got a call that Christmas, that his father could no longer see us, until we were married. I got the call as I was hobbling into the hospital for an X-ray on my foot, and the news nearly sent me to the floor.  I was angry. I was sad. I was sad for me. I was more sad, and more angry for my fiance. He lost his mother in 2001, and now his father (I took out some name calling there), has disowned him? This... this is not what the Lord intended. I screamed inside myself. I yelled into the phone while discussing it with my mother. I cried for my fiance that day.

 We ended up having an "emergency" private wedding a month later, which was 9 months before our big wedding. You see the X=ray I went in for, was for a broken foot. Which put me out of work for 7 weeks, and at the end of that 7 weeks, I quit my Marketing Management job. I literally, just never went back, and since I had to have health insurance for a few medical conditions I have, we needed to go ahead and get married. We didn't invite his father to that ceremony. And I had no feelings about that whatsoever. I almost could not muster the strength to feel sorry about it either, because of what he had done to my husbands spirit. I was numb.

 It was the most beautiful ceremony. It was just my parents, my brother, and my husbands stepdad (who had been married to his mother when she passed away). The Pastor had known the short story behind his father disowning us, which may have led into the scripture that she read that day. Colossians 3: 12-14 which reads 12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility,gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Everyone in the room shed at least one tear. Some of us shed many. I have never been so moved in my entire life. The way my pastor spoke it - meant different things to each of us, But in my heart, I felt God was mourning with me. 

 Once we were "married", we had to start pre-marital counseling with our Pastor (that was the deal - she would marry us early, if we still did the pre-marital counseling leading up to our big wedding).  It was inevitable. We would talk about the relationship, or lack their-of, with his father. The Pastor, my husband and I really went into detail with this discussion. A discussion that lead to Mark 2:16-17 "When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw Him eating with the sinners and the tax collectors, they asked his disciples: "Why does He eat with the tax collectors and sinners?". Upon hearing this, Jesus said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners"

The reason this came up, is because at that moment, I was told that his father said these words: "We can't come eat with you, because it will let the Devil in". That is the moment that I bawled in front of my husband for the first time in regarding this entire mess. 

 As we have moved on from it all - slowly, I go back and forth and back and forth as to if I want to have him in my life. Besides the immense anger and hate this man spews, it is physically exhausting to be around him, and I feel that God never intended for this type of nonsense. He would be ashamed. I know that he would probably be ashamed with me as well, for not forgiving him fully, but with every gay slur, or challenging visit, I pull away. Which is where my stand off lies. I know God wants me to forgive him, and shine brightly through Him. I know this because I was taught differently, I was taught that God is a loving God - to everyone. Gay, White, Black, Sinners and all. I think I will start at praying for him. Because that is what God asks us to do. My next goal, to forgive him completely. 

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