As I lay here on my couch, immobile, with a heating bad on my cramps, while bleeding from my vagina, I wonder, "Why the fuck do I need to endure this suffering every month?" I don't plan on having kids of my own; I have three beautiful step kids whom I adore, and that satiates my parenting appetite.
I'm not kidding when I say that my menstrual cycle takes over 3/4 of my life. Two weeks before I get my period, I ovulate, and I get ridiculously intense cravings that WILL NOT go away until I give in to them. They compel me to leave my house braless and in my pajamas to retrieve the needed snack from the Walgreens down the street. Ultimately, I binge on said snack because nothing fills the void of my unfertilized egg waiting in my system. This binging inevitably leads to vomiting...no I do not have an eating disorder; I simply can't contain all the crap I consume during these times, and my body rejects it naturally. Fun.
Wait...it gets better. The following week is when the PMS begins, which is even more eventful. All of a sudden, a monster wakes up inside of me. I can't be responsible for her feelings or actions, but I will apologize on her behalf, for if you somehow piss the beast off, or look at her the wrong way, or say something in a tone she does not like, you may get your head ripped off. Again, I'm sorry for what she does; she's an irrational, mean, ugly creature. There are other times though, that the beast cowers into an emotional sobbing mess for no reason. Again, I can't control her, but I apologize on her behalf if you happen to fall in her wake of emotional, out-of-control drama.
Then...the week of bleeding begins. All of the aforementioned symptoms become amplified and, in addition, are coupled with debilitating cramps, extreme drowsiness, nausea, and a sense over-all worthlessness. I can never make plans when I have my period because she dictates my actions. Sometimes, she forces me to sleep, sometimes she makes me hold my tummy in the fetal position, sometimes she makes me so irrationally angry and emotional that I choose to hide from everybody for their own benefit.
What sucks for an already anxiety-ridden person, is that the menstrual cycle, all phases of it, increases the anxiety itself. The stress, the nerves, the self-doubt, the emotions, and the negativity raise to an intolerable level during this time, and it's intense. I have to remind myself continually that these heavy, intense feelings are completely hormonally-driven and try to separate myself from them. I have to breathe through them and remember that it's a phase, driven by my woman-hood, and it will go away...at least temporarily. Having to deal with this every month though is fucking tiresome. Sometimes, I'm tempted to get all my parts removed, so I don't have to deal with this shit anymore. Then I remember that even without these parts, women have to deal hormonal bullshit and the potential for a dried up vagina. No thanks...
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