Someone once described to me that a fragile state of mind is like a cup that is full to the top. If you put one more drop in it, it will overflow and get your shit all wet.
The last few months or so I've often felt like that full cup. If I get one more drop of bullshit, I'll over flow and freak out. In the Bible it's nice when your cup overflows, like you have a lot of blessings to be grateful for. Well, my cup runneth over with insanity and one more drop of awful is going to turn me into a lunatic. You don't want a cup full of crazy.
Be careful. You're crazy is dripping.
Last week my 4- year- old had asthma trouble. We have been in and out of the doctors about 8 times since August so this time we took her back to the asthma specialist as it seems that every time she catches a common virus, she gets asthma that we can't control. This situation caused me a great deal of stress, it just about ran my cup over but then I realize when these things happen that there are some things in life that just don't matter. What matters? Breathing. It's important to breathe. And that's it. Sometimes that's all you've got so your only choice is, breathe.
Here are some things I chose not to give a *fecund about while 'Breathing' was at the top of my worry list.
1.) Which dog is peeing on my kitchen rug? This question makes me a tiny bit insane because I can't catch any dogs peeing on it which makes me think my dogs are trying to slowly drive me mad. They know my cup is brimming with insanity and their pee is going be the few drops that send me over the edge. Sometimes I lift up the kitchen rug in front of all three of them and use my Frankenstein's Monster voice while grumbling, "Whooooo did thisssss? Whooo is it???? You are all so ruuudddeee!" Well, any time you use a Frankenstein voice with dogs, they all look guilty and wag their tales like, "What are doing you crazy freak? You'll never catch us." It's probably all three of them. They probably have a calendar or schedule for who gets to pee on the kitchen rug next. Assholes.
The next item I do care a lot of about, most of the time. But when my children can't breathe, this item goes shooting towards the bottom of my list.
2.) Dumb shit at work. Dumb shit at work can really get on ones nerves. The dumb shit at work can take the form of many things that I'll leave purposefully vague in case I work with you. I don't want all the people at work to wonder if I think they are pieces of dumb shit. Which I don't. I love you all. Unless my kid can't breathe, then I don't care about you at all.
3.) Arguing with my kids about bedtime. If you've ever met me, you'll know that it's pretty much an impossibility of any child of mine to take direction when asked the first time. When one of them does something the first time I'm a little thrown off. Why are you being so compliant? Don't you want to finish that show you've seen 800 times? If they are too obedient I think they are probably lying in bed thinking of ways to overthrow me. I know consistency is a good way to raise kids but when one of them can't breathe and the medicine she's on is making her act like a rabid dog, some things just don't matter. Some nights, as long as you're lying in the bed, I don't give a *fecund if you've brushed your teeth, read a story, or are holding the dog hostage in your room with a scarf tied to the leg of the bed. It's probably the dog that's been peeing on my kitchen rug anyway and it would do her some good to be tied up for a bit.
*Fecund is a word I use instead of the actual F word. It's pronounced Feeecund, but if you emphasize the FA cund, it's sounds like fuckin. Which is a great misuse of a word.
4.) Money: When things get rough and people can't breathe, I don't care about money. Even if I don't really have any real money, say like in my bank account, I always have a credit card somewhere and that's good enough for me. I have the same mentality about money when I go on vacation too. Breathing, being on vacation. Same thing.
5.) Rules. I love rules. Okay, no I don't really. And when people are struggling to breathe, I don't care about them. I try to follow the big rules, like not punching people, but it's the little rules I just can't seem to care about when one of my children can't breathe. If my garbage can is supposed to be inside right after the garbage man comes. Who cares. It's been known to sit for days even when everyone in the house could breathe. Drinking an energy drink while I shop and then throwing it away while I shop. I know that's probably shop lifting, so yeah, I don't ever do that. I do eat when I shop though, I walk through the aisles with a bag of chips or cookie dough and mill around. I don't know if that's a rule of not, but I do it sometimes. It's not like I have a knife and fork out, I just snack a little while I browse. There are quite a few people in life who get all hung up on the rules of everything and those people I avoid. You better watch out because when you're a freak about all the little shit in life, something happens to straighten your ass back out, like when you can't breathe or you think the pimple on your neck is skin cancer.
When life stabilizes again and all people are breathing as they should, I can worry about little rules or niceties or garbage cans or pee, but when it comes right down to what is important in life it's the people in your house. It's the people. And the dogs too since even if you pee on my rug, I'll still let you sleep right above my head even though I'm allergic to dogs.
My brain prioritizes problems like a computer quickly readjusting a calculation so that my cup doesn't run over. I can very quickly not give a shit.
I also didn't proofread this yet because I hate doing that. It makes me rethink everything about my life. I'll edit it later when I'm in the mood.
I'm not angry;I'm passionate
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