I have just found a great book that I heard about a very long time ago. Called “The Bluest Eye” by Toni Morrison. Maybe some of you have heard about this book on the famous “Oprah book club? “
I had heard of this book many years ago but I just couldn't or wouldn't bring myself to read it. I just downloaded it or is it uploaded the book on my Sony Reader . I can't wait to get settled in and begin. That says alot to me and where I am right now . I am really thinking that maybe this hasn't been such a bad thing this writing. I have let out feelings of painful loss and some empty yet very full emotional feelings . I have even allowed myself to have a laugh or two.
OK yesterday I was on the Jane Fonda train and today I am proud to admit... the train is still rolling and I mean rolling down the track. I made a great salad last night and walked again into work . I also took a 40 min walk to the Post Office very happy to send my mom a small slice of Amsterdam in a way of a Easter cake and yummy dutch cheese. I think I will always struggle with my weight , fuck it ,I love yummy dutch cheese. And I have another question that I have been asking myself, I know I could go to the gym NOT!!! I could drink less, eat better and maybe add a few other things to the list but really people, I am over 40 with children and 2 small grandchildren ( ouch !)
When does a grow ass woman start to just accept herself , as always I still think I am hot but yes, I see that the years are showing . But aren't they going to show anyway ?
When I look in the mirror, I don't see that burnt out crazy bitch who knew it all, no I see ME.
I see myself in my 20's shopping with my mom or when I was living in Germany. I think that , that was the best time of my life. I hadn't overstepped the rules yet and was somewhat still part of a family. Meaning my mom, stepfather ( God bless him) and little brother whom I had never really understood. (Wherever, you are just know I think of you)The 80's were on and I was in hairspray heaven. ( did I forget to mention we lived on a Army base..... ahhhhh that should have said it all )
It may come as a huge surprise to you all but my purple haze days didn't start until I was over 21 years old. I was just perfectly fucked in between. I think I may be having what is called in my world a “good day”. I can laugh and put the words on paper so easy sometimes and at other times, It is really like a knife on a blackboard. That shit hurts. But not today. I might be OK, maybe not.. but stick around my friends I will overcome.
I will feel the sun upon my face and not have tears in my eyes. For I am alot to manage , I have been damaged!!
With that said I surely hope that I can soon get this software in where I can just speak to the computer .. I find it hard to keep my place or really feel the burn as I like to say. But If i am going to tell it then it must come honest . That is not a burn that is a Fireball. But not today .
Thank you all for reading and please have a little patience with me . The deep dark stuff doesn't come out in one day . And when I can see beyond that shit, it is also word the words.
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