Moments of Freedom....

5 years ago

Grief is a fascinating thing, I have been told everyday this year by one person or another that "grief is not the same for everyone". That made me have a thought, is grief different or is it just the way people handle it that makes it different? After my mom died and all the smoke cleared from my head all that I was left was sadness and pain. Grief can take over your every move, every second of everyday feeling sad and disconnected from everyone and everything, Quickly depression comes and sets in. Suddenly when the craziness of the event clears all you are left with is the grief and the sadness, it was then my job to decide if I wanted to fall into that black hole or do my best to fight my way out, I chose to fight. 

The funny thing about fighting is that when you are at a point you feel is the lowest yo can feel, it allows just a little sunshine to come in and you see something so funny and you begin to laugh. When that laughter comes it feels like an escape from that intense feeling of pain, sadness, guilt, and loss of control seems to fall off for one second, and for that one second you feel human again. 

When the laughter came to me it was the first time I realized that maybe just maybe I would be OK. This feeling of being OK makes all those days of feeling like you have nothing to loose if you were to not wake up all the better, because those moments of joy help you to focus on the sun coming again , letting you know that you will make it through this. 

Somewhere along the way i gave into the fact that there will be those days when I want to hide away from everyone and everything, once I began to own that feeling i began to understand that life will go on, I will survive this if it takes 10 years the pain will subside and I will survive the pain. 

"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time".Mark Twain

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