Missing my mom

5 years ago

Dear Mom,

I can’t believe that tomorrow you will be gone 2 years.  Just for the record I miss you more every day.  I don’t think I took our relationship for granted but I didn’t realize how integral you were in my life.  As time goes on that is more prevalent to me.  I think it’s that Mother to Mother connection.  Even though, so much of me want to be different than you – I do quote you.

Dad says I over compensate with generosity with my children to deal with your lack of.  I don’t know how cognizant you were of your bull frog butt ways, but it wasn’t just with tangible it was also with love.  I don’t say this to stir the post-past pot, but more because it’s a part of our story.  It also helps me identify the method to my madness – and there is a plenty.

Husband thinks I just look for ways to spend money.  I think they are both right.

I have a dog now.  She is a big giant mutt.  Her name is Samantha.  I call her Puppy.  Dad loves to tease me that this 4 year old 66 pound is no puppy.  My boys will always be my babies, and well Samantha will always be my puppy.  I joke that you sent her to me, to get my butt walking.  She likes to walk and whenever she refuses to turn when I want to make my walk shorter, she refuses and I know you are making us walk more.

After you died, I wanted a baby or a dog.  Being post menopausal and too old for more adoption I figured a dog would be good.  A baby I would have named after you.  Not Arlene, but Hannah, your Hebrew name.  Cause let’s face it, who else is going to wear that gold necklace with your Hebrew name.  Maybe I will.  Maybe I will tomorrow. 

My boys.  I will say you had such excitement for me when I was pregnant and when we were adopting.  You knew how much I wanted to be a mother and you enjoyed watching me with these boys.  I hope you are watching me now. 

E is 8 and coming home from his first summer at sleep away camp.  He had an amazing time.  I miss him so much.  He still prays for you to be healed and I love that about my little man.  Your illness and dying really brought him close to God and introduced him to spirituality.  Thank you for that.  This kid is the definition of a mensch. 

D just turned 6 and is my little baby and marches to the beat of his own.  He loves video games and we had to restrict You Tube from his device, because of his use of curse words.  He would find videos on how to cheat his games and low and behold they were sprinkled with some words that would make some blush and you giggle.

I am an ok mom. Not a great one.  I am actually getting better.  Not a lot of baking going on here, but I do let them have the complimentary cookie from Shop Rite anytime they like!  I am good with free treats.  Lollipops from banks can be eaten at any time of day.  I don’t know what makes me a good mom.  My kids are fed, clothed and mostly bathed.   Hey, look, you were a good mother too.  Who knew?  I did, it was just hard for me to admit.


 Miss you Mom...


Favorite Mom Quotes

  1.  The gender and name of a baby only matter when your pregnant (or awaiting an adoption referral)
  2. Compared to who?  (In response to how is Dad??)
  3. You are only as happy as our least favorite child.
  4. Never get rid of your cleaning lady, it is harder to get one later on.



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