The title of this post and the social media snippet are from Hannah and Horovitz
I want to echo:
"Please, teach your sons women are people, with lives and personalities and interests. They are not objects, they are individuals, and NO ONE is entitled to another human being's body or time. "
For some time now, I have been bothered by the way men in particular and young men especially treat me. No not all men, but a lot of them. More than 50% of the men that I encounter when out for casual night of fun and entertainment are too touchy feely and hell bent on having sex.
I love to dance. I dance often. I partner/social dance and club dance as well as go see live music and dance. I am so sick of men--young men, men under 30 years of age helping themselves to my body. I go out to dance. I don't go to be pawed, mauled, humped or have someone grind their genitals on me. Yet this is what happens every time I hit the dance floor in clubs and bars. Even if I dance by myself some idiot comes up and tries to pull me close and grind on me. Mind you, in the social/partner dance scene this happens quite a bit less but it is still happens.
Two weeks ago, I was having a great time front and center dancing, to a live band, with the people around me and my friends . If any of you go clubbing you know the music is deafening. You cannot hear a person speak even if they are right at your ear. In fact, I often wear earplugs. At some point a guy was behind me humping me. I mean thrusting so hard he knocked me over into the stage. I got up turned around and pushed him back, and gave him a WTF look. Back to dancing. That disrespectful idiot did it again: He grabbed my waist and starting humping/thrusting me hard. I whipped around, pushed him and scooted fast through the crowd and out of that room. In another area of the club I stayed with my girlfriend for a bit, then told her I was leaving. As I shimmied through the crush of people, some guy dragged his hand across my stomach and another grabbed my arm as I got the stairwell and said, "Where are you going?" I kept going, and left that place.
A week ago, I was dancing. I was initially dancing with girlfriends. But several songs later they were doing their own thing and I was still dancing. A guy came over and started dancing with me. That's cool. I wasn't giving him a vibe that I was interested or that I even wanted a conversation. He decided he wanted to dance closer and kept trying to move in on me but not really dancing, he was trying to grind his hips into me and turn me around. I put a stop to that. Finally you know what he said to me? Why are you so nice? But he snarled "nice" like it is a bad thing. I could have been a smart-ass or said something mean but he wasn't worth it. I didn't want the negative energy to ruin my fun night. I kept dancing...away from him. Moments later he left. Much much later in the night, last call, the place was about the close but I was enjoying the good music and dancing my way through the room heading for the exit. A nice looking guy stepped in my path and starting dancing with me. No biggie, that happens all the time. We were dancing, feeling the vibe, he asked me where I was from...yada, yada. There was a lot of "what?" going back and forth because you can't hear over the music but the whole time we are dancing. A favorite song is on and I am getting into the music--freestyling. Here we go again. This guy starts trying to move in close, and grind. I put my hands out and stop him from coming in close and I kept dancing. He says, "What am I supposed to do?" I said, "Dance!" I decide to dance around him, and continue heading for the exit. He blocks me, grabs my hands and starts rubbing my hands on his chest and down his abs. (He was very fit). I stopped dancing. I looked at him with no expression, as deadpan a face as I can muster that shows, I am so NOT interested in you and I pull my hands back, and start to walk away. He says, "You gonna just leave me like that?" I kept walking.
Dear men "boys" pawing a woman, invading her personal space, and being overtly sexually is not the way to meet and get to know lady. Oh you say your goal is merely to have sex with her, well that approach is not going to work with most women. Sure some may go for that but it is a grave mistake to think that all women want to be approached in that manner. You are guaranteed to strike out more often.
These incidents are recent but there have been numerous. At times it is too much and I get really down because men--younger and men my age act as if I am something to conquer or an object to win.
My friend who is a 36 years old knows exactly what I am talking about. She dismisses it because she says, "That's how all young guys behave." Well something is seriously and tragically wrong if men think that meeting a woman is all about touching her, sexing her, and disrespecting her. Men seem to have no idea how to socialize, make friends and enjoy entertainment. Older men 40s and 50s aren't as blatant with the touching, grabbing, grinding business but they sure want to fuck in a hurry--they don't even want to know a thing about you. When you don't want to go home with them, they are puzzled, absolutely mystified that you don't want to have sex with THEM. Saying no to their invitation for sex means you will not speak with them or see them again. I say good riddance.
I don't know what else to say except to say that this has been on my mind heavy since last fall. I tried to put it to words before but mainly I just kept analysing and thinking about it. Wondering, how can men...human beings...be so shallow and devoid of ability to communicate.
These incidents and many more have left me disillusioned and no longer wanting to make friends with males because I have learned that they don't want to have friends or build relationships. I am very cautious and keep things on a very superficial level.
I have the dance friend who I enjoy social dancing with (e.g. Salsa, Zouk, Swing). We have a great time out dancing and that is the only time I see him. We both recognize that we dance well together and we both want to improve. So we talked and decided to try to practice together. At that point I had known this man, through dance, for 3 months seeing him 1-2 times a week. We agreed to practice at his house, he has the space and wood floors. Based on his directions and clues I was looking for a long driveway as well as the address. Turns out his driveway is very short, not really a driveway at all, it fits one car. I enter his home and we start practicing. Twenty or thiry minutes go by and we pause to seek out new moves to try and there is general chit-chat. I said something about, "I thought you had a long driveway. I was looking for a looong driveway." He looked puzzled and said, no I don't think I said anything about a driveway. I laughed and said, I don't know where I got that from. He checked his texts and sure enough he did not say anything about a long driveway. We get up to dance and once in closed position he starts trying to kiss me, his breathing is heavy, and I can feel he has a boner. I pulled away, shaking my head no and said, "Look I am here just to dance. That is all I came for, I just want to dance!" He looked so surprised and said, "But you said all that stuff about a looong driveway."A few more words were exchanged he abjectly mumbled, "Girls!"
Ladies and gentlemen I just felt sad for him and thought how pathetic. How does a sentence about a long driveway translate into I want to have sex, put the moves on me. WTF?!!! We had a frank discussion. My goal was not to embarass him but to honestly make him see how far fetched and flawed his thinking was. He took it in stride. We are still dance friends. We dance together at events but there is no more practicing.
I shared this last incident because it is a good illustration of the kind of mindset I as a woman come up against whenever I go out.
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