Lately I have been stuck in my transition. Not seemingly moving forward, but not going backwards either. It's been an agonzing stall, as far as I can see it. I have lots of creative ideas. Made what I thought, was well thought out plans of actions to achieve and bring these ideas to light. But yet have not seen any direct reaction from my purposeful actions. It's become rather frustrating, and has brought me to tears on numerous occasions. Serious frustration and mental fatigue has set in at many moments. And then there too, have been moments of quiet contemplation, and wondering am I headed down the wrong path. Is this choice that I feel is so right, really wrong?
Making my life altering choice to get divorced, move away, change jobs, and create a total life changing experience has taught me many things. One of them being how to sit still and listen. I no longer live close to the city, so there isn't the hustle of life at a full pace constantly whirling around me. I changed my scenery and with it, changed my world. Who says that changing your location can't change who you are internally? I always felt living near the city, that my life was in a constant crazy motion. That I couldn't sit still, have quiet time, enjoy the outside, or truly be alone if I needed to. There was always something going on. Someone stopping in, a chore that needed attention, and life was whirling away from me without my consent.
Although I no longer have the craziness of city life, the internal craziness didn't go away. Now it just seems like I have more time to realize that my life isn't how I intended it. I had children young, got married at 18, was a stay at home mom, my whole life and then after 20 years of it, got divorced. I know I am not the first, and certainly won't be the last to jump off the deep end and completely turn their world inside out, and upside down. It's been scary, trying, overwhelming, fun, joyous, creative and most importantly, true to me! I was drowning in my marriage. There was no me left. I was a wife and mom to two grown girls. I had no clue who the hell I was, let alone what I wanted to be when I grew up. Yet, here I was a GROWN UP...Wait, with two grown up kids. How did that happen?! Ummm, FAST! Life whirled by, without a blink, at super speed.
I never figured out a career. I worked part time jobs for extra spending money, took classes through the university that interested me, for fun! Did little part time fun things on the computer, selling beads and jewelry that I made when the girls were at school. But none of it was a career choice. So here I am, 20 years later. Half my life over, and I am still asking myself, What do I want to be when I grow up? It can be overwhelming, and some times exciting.
My crazy train has changed direction in the last couple years. I am slowly finding my way. Asking myself the hard questions, not always getting direct answers. I am trying to explore new avenues. To not stay stuck in fear, since that was what kept me stuck in my marriage for 5 years longer than I should have. Don't make the same mistake twice! I still can't give anyone, let alone myself a direct answer to where I would like to be 5 years from now. Which for me is Crazy in itself. I was always one of those 1 yr, 2 yr, 5 yr planners. Life had to fall into a certain place, at a certain time. My life is certainly not like that anymore. I have a vision, but not a neat, tidy, brick path. I may take detours. That's ok. It's become my life, and my time. I get to choose!
My vision is becoming clearer day to day. I wish the process was a little speedier, but I will be grateful for what I have, and where I am in the process. I have learned to sit still, and every day am closer to doing what I truly love.
My constant love in my life, has always been paper and pen. I still have the hardest time walking into a store and not buying a journal, or nice pens, and pencils just because I am way too attracted them. I realize that having a computer and being able to jot down thoughts quickly has made paper a little less valuable to most of the world. But for it will always be a love affair of the heart. I value the written word, what it show's people, and how once written it is set for life. You can reflect back on it, move forward from it, and learn from it. My constant crazy train in motion, is no longer the external noise and chaos from a bustling world in motion. It is now from my heart, spirit and mind creating my joyous life to be!
How crazy is your train? How do you slow it down? Is it on a direct path? Does it ever whirl off the track and collide? Do you re-route it? Would love to hear how other's are transitioning in mid-life, mid-transitions and re-creating themselves? Their is great power in sharing, and it is a true gift to help other's to stay on their journey's when they are feeling like it's never going to happen.
Thanks for reading...
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