MESSAGE RECEIVED AND PROCESSED

3 years ago

IMG_0819Thunder rumbled and crackled.  Then the rain came - for a minute or two.  It was a dramatic sound display.

Now we are left with the heat, humidity and mosquitoes.  I am in a bad mood.  I hope no one expects lunch any time soon.  I am sapped of energy.  Sheba is lucky she got walked.  I can blame it on the positive ions left from the thunder.  Everyone knows that they are not great for our moods and well being.

I have to admit that I am not known for my pleasing disposition, even as a child.  Funny how some things stick in your mind.

29742_390272485886_7930121_nThe aunties in our village and my paternal grandmother were always telling me I was a grumpy girl and that no man would marry me.  My mother never told me that.  But the message took hold.  And that was how I always thought of myself.  I often warned people of my grumpiness - that it was me, not them that was the problem.  I turned sour and defiant inside.

These aunties and my grandmother would later tell me again that no man will have me because of the scar sustained from a burn.  It was big but on the inside of my left arm.  It was not readily noticeable.

IMG_6851I could not remember a time without the scar.  I was quite self conscious of it, wearing long sleeves and sweaters even in the heat of summer.  I hid it by holding my arm close to my body.  In a family photo shortly before we left Hong Kong, I was noticeably turning my arm to hide my scar.  There were times I wondered how my life would be different if my arm was smooth and whole.  But I could not conjure it up.  The gnarled scar tissue stared back at me.

I outgrew my sensitivity when I became a nurse. The uniforms were short-sleeved.  It was too much effort to be self conscious, trying to hide my scar.  I flaunted it and joked about it.  Eventually it ceased to be an issue.

Today, I see how vain I was.  So many people are walking around with bigger and more visible scars than mine.  But I realize that I was but a child then, sensitive and easily impressed.   Now, I know the adults were not trying to be mean.  They were just talking without thought, not knowing how their words affected me.

I had no voice then, but now I do and I am talking.

 

Original Post @onethousandandtwo

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